Holy Roller

Yep, more God stuff that my brother detests . . . D'oh!

My girlfriend and I had a brief conversation when we were leaving church yesterday about becoming "holier than thou." Whereas she knew that reading the Bible and applying it to her life has been making her a better person, she also recognized that others might still see her flaws and not want to subscribe to any religion that would accommodate someone who behaves as poorly as she. (Her perception not mine.)

I felt the same way for years. For a long time, I didn't want to share my faith for a number of reasons including:
1) I always thought that Christians were stupid -- ergo, others probably now think that I am a total idiot (and who could blame them?).
2) My behavior didn't change overnight; therefore, I could predict overhearing the following in Thirsty's as I did a bar crawl, "I thought she was a believer. Some Christian she is."

But the simple fact is, I haven't actually done a bar crawl in years. And that's not because I'm a holy roller but rather because I'm in my 40s, don't get out much and, when I do, my nights are not typically wild. (Note the use of "typically" -- I still have my moments.) However, the truth is: I never really did many bar crawls. That was (and is) more the province of my rowdier girlfriends. And it's still hysterical to witness.

However, instead of covering up my faith because I am a sinner and might give Christianity a bad name, I now recognize that I would rather change my life to be a better reflection of God. Not easy (I still keep falling) but better than the alternative.

One friend, when talking faith, always quotes John Lennon, "Whatever gets you through the night; it's alright." This view is much more tolerant than any I ever espoused historically but also doesn't quite describe my current leaning. To me, faith hasn't served as a crutch that makes me feel better about myself. Instead, the opposite has happened. It has opened giant areas of my life that desperately needed attention. Things I had previously chosen to ignore or I simply never considered to be issues, are now brought to life with a loud (but understanding) "So, what are you going to do about it?" question.

I grew up with this vision of God as a distant entity who had much bigger fish to fry than to deal with my little problems. People were starving in Africa and this little girl in Junior High wants a boyfriend? How selfish and petty is she? I thought I was bothering him when I would ask for anything through my prayer life and, since I never saw any of my prayers answered anyway, I thought he didn't really give a shit. More importantly, I always thought that I never measured up to his expectations. I was supposed to be perfect and I wasn't. Really, who wants that kind of constant condemnation in life? Not me.

I'm still unbelievably far from perfect (farther than I can fathom) but I now understand that I'm deeply loved in spite of all of this. He knows exactly how I act and think but still somehow loves me. How cool is that? Now that makes me want to be a better person . . . not to avoid disapproval but rather to please him. Who knew?