You Can Tuna Piano

Do you know what doesn't match a grey, pinstripe skirt?

Tuna salad, that's what.

Do you know what you may have to do when you eat lunch in your car?

Stop anywhere immediately off the expressway exit for a new wardrobe, that's what.

In today's case, Kohl's. No, I don't want a credit card. No, I don't want to be on your mailing list. I just want a cheap skirt and the ability to get out of here pronto.

Sorry Guys

A few years ago, I bought a t-shirt that read, "My kid is a genius." I wore it to a function at our preschool just to see everyone's reactions in our hyper-competitive town.

Around the same time, my girlfriend was dating a guy who went to Vegas and purchased for her a t-shirt in the hotel gift shop that was black and bejeweled with the acronym MILF. Funny (not to mention thoughtful and flattering) but not really wearable unless you're somewhat egomaniacal.

Today, Son #1 came up with his own concept and called me at work. "I just told dad that I wanted to get you a t-shirt that says, 'Sorry guys. I'm married.'"

What a cutie, right? And it's funny! I think there's a market for that shirt.

Beau Ties

One other thing about last weekend's funeral that I liked . . .

My uncle was a long-time wearer of bow ties. As a fitting tribute, most of the men in his family (i.e., sons, stepsons, son-in-law, grandsons) wore bow ties during the ceremony and at the reception at the Genesee Valley Club. My cousin's husband David, from California, brought a slew of bow ties with him for people to choose from -- including one from this company, Beau Ties, whose name I also liked.

Anyhoo, it got me thinking. Maybe everyone should wear lampshades at my funeral, no? Tiaras would work also. Or ascots. Just putting the idea out there.

Fashion Crime

For ages now, I have been thinking of starting a blog in which I would shop once/week at a store with a crappy brand image for fashion (e.g., Sears) and I would limit myself to items on the sale rack. I wondered if I could find crazy bargains and still look good (relatively speaking!) or if it would be so confining that I would begin to look like a character in Mudflap Bubbas' old life.

On Thursday, I was running an errand and briefly stopped into the Dress Barn on an ancillary scouting expedition.

The findings are shocking: The Dress Barn fashion is a) actually worse than I ever imagined (and I'm pretty imaginative) and b) much more expensive than my middle American budget can afford.

Example: Marled Hooded Sweater Coat -- originally $49.99 | now $25.00

Their own site says, "Operates a chain of off-price women's apparel stores." But twenty five dollars for that? Is that "off-price" or just "off-fashion"? Is that affordable when half of all U.S. households generate income less than $46K per year?

So I have to rethink my middle Americana chic shopping blog. I'm not sure I want to drop $1300 this year on a load of crap just for the challenge.

A Day at the Improv

I perfectly choreographed my day today. Up at 4:30 a.m. Swim. Qi Gong in steam room (and pray to God that no one comes in to witness). Sauna. Shower. Drive to Albany. Conference call. Four hour meeting. Drive home. Girls' night out.

Nagging feeling. Gosh, what am I forgetting?

Oh, to pack a bra and underwear in my gym bag?! What the . . . ?

With no time to drive home but with the need to stand in front of a conference room of men and only men (i.e., no confidante) wearing a skirt, I did what any reasonable woman who doesn't want her cooch to be the focal point of a meeting would do: I wore another (dry) bathing suit under my suit.

It doesn't get much better than this.

"A Watch Doesn't Really Go With This Outfit, Daddy"

Today's New York Times contains an article by Steve Lohr, A Data Explosion Remakes Retailing, which discusses how retailer Wet Seal introduced an online feature to their site last year called Outfitter which:

• Allows users to put together their own outfits online, post them for others to browse/comment and exchange recommendations
• Has generated more than 300K user-designed outfits and millions of page views

The December 24 edition of the New York Times: The Year in Style printed an article by Eric Wilson, Bloggers Crash Fashion’s Front Row, that began with the line, "NOT everyone thought it was adorable in September when a 13-year-old wunderkind blogger named Tavi was given a front-row seat at the fashion shows of Marc Jacobs, Rodarte and others."

Reading the two articles made me think that somewhere in this high-tech confluence of avatars meets user-generated content (e.g., blogging, tweeting) meets the backlash against suburban mall ubiquity, wouldn't it be great not only to allow ordinary teenagers, or anyone for that matter, to establish themselves on the Internet as style mavens (ranging from couture to consignment) but also to monetize it through a common technology platform? In other words, little Jackie O., or today's version of Cher Horowitz, could write a fabulous blog about her elegant, teen life in the debutante fast lane and pull together sensational outfits from myriad retailers -- well beyond Wet Seal -- so that other little Jackie O'lookalikes across the country could benefit from her fashion sense. More importantly, by driving traffic to the retailers, little Jackie O. should also make a buck or two in the process via a virtual revenue share agreement that could possibly grow with her relative popularity and, accordingly, the volume of sales generated.

Maybe this is already possible and I'm just not in the know; however, I still see more blogs with non-revenue generating links to external sites coupled with the traditional banner ad advertising model. The time may be ripe to bring it up a notch and make the clothes come to life.

No hippychick, no hip hip hip hip hip

Last night, my hairdresser, Robert, re-introduced me to a long-lost friend. While gently pulling my long hair in the air with his left hand and holding a brush in his right, he said:

"Hair . . . brush. Brush . . . hair."

I find a modicum of relief in the fact that gorgeous, famous, wealthy chicks (i.e., the Olsens) -- with stylists forever at their sides -- also appear to suffer from this same ailment except that, with them, this messy style is a) clearly intentional and b) in line with their hippie chick appearance.


Photo from Olsens Anonymous.

As much as I would prefer looking like a gypsy than a management consultant, I think I need to get to know my brush a little better. Maybe I'll take it to lunch or possibly out for cocktails later. Who knows where this could lead?

I certainly don't want to be the area's front runner on this fashion trend.

You, Your Sex is on Fire

Just when I thought the Weezer Snuggie was hilarious, I immediately discovered that the Kings of Leon have released their own line of clothing -- just in time for all of your holiday shopping needs. This may have trumped Weezer except that they're serious . . . yup.

I love the headline on the article: Kings of Leon Make Flannel Fashionable. Really? So does that mean that all the guys around here were trend setters? I'll be darned. Who needs to travel to the shows in Milan when we have heaps of fashion forward men right here at Thirsty's? Give yourselves a round of applause boys and go buy yourselves a beer!

Hey, remind me not to take tips on what's stylish for men from these guys.



Two hipsters flanked on one side by a 1980's denim suit/bad hair combo and the other by Garth's brown-haired twin who is wearing, if my eyes don't deceive me, a velour hoodie and a gray Yemin-plaid scarf with matching, double dangle-ball necklace. Rad.

Yeah, if my eyes don't deceive me, there's something going wrong around here.

Shake It Up

Refinery 29 has just published "Six Perfect Outfits To Shake Up Your Fall Dressing" which includes one of my favorite fashion items of all time: the tight, leather motorcycle jacket. I love women that can carry off that look -- especially those chicks who are simultaneously toting little kids. It feels a bit Chrissie Hynde/PTA President/soccer mom/anyone-other-than-myself.

But, I have to say, true to its headline, the rest of the looks may shake things up a bit but, uh, not necessarily in a good way. For example, after dropping over $1,400 on new clothes (i.e., how much the ensemble below costs), I sincerely hope I look better than this:



Heck, I think I look better than this already. Ah, kids these days.

Fashion Challenge

I was thinking of attempting to buy my clothes for next 12 months from only one fashion-backward, mall store, like Sears or JCPenney, to see what I could come up with. I thought that, over the course of the year, I would possibly a) save some money due to the dearth of options, b) look absolutely heinous even by local standards (or lack thereof), or c) rise to the challenge and throw some *great* looks together on the fly.

Then I ran across the Winter '09 collection by Juliette Hogan (via Down & Out Chic). So pretty!

Professional yet feminine, the look above consists only of a simple cardigan, pencil skirt and blouse in muted colors. Shouldn't be too hard to replicate, right?

So I decided to compare against the online Sears catalog to see if they had anything remotely of that caliber.



Wow! A lime green, short-sleeved suit with white buttons and contrasting stitching? You betcha.

This could be fun.

Blind Melon

My girlfriend Sarah had all of us guessing what color she was planning to paint her "great room." (It gets pretty exciting 'round here.) The answer: green sprout.

Me: I won!
Kim: No you didn't, I won.
Me: I said green.
Kim: Yeah, and I said beige.
Me: What part of green sprout sounds beige to you?
Kim: Oh, I thought she said she was painting her room grease brown.

I think it's high time to go back to the Pantone color chart. When it sounds perfectly acceptable to paint your room in a color that typifies the McDonald's waste stream and no one bats an eye, we may have gone too far.

I blame J. Crew.

"Love that shirt! What color is it, warm shell?"

"No, it's flamingo. I had a hard time deciding between it and the desert sky but flamingo goes with everything."

Effen Demographics

Lately, when driving back to the office from one of my clients, I keep passing a boarded up store on Lyell Avenue that was once called Effen Haute.

On a city street that's known for prostitution and violence, the name smacks of ghetto couture.

Damn girl, that dress is effen haute!

They must have gone out of business because the neighborhood couldn't support as much Jean Paul Gaultier as the owner originally forecast . . .

It's an effen shame.

Mini-Weekend: Day 13

Thirteen! Never thought it would get this far. And it's May 13: my sister's birthday. Happy Birthday Susie!

Today I went to the dentist, swam, did a bit o' yoga in the steam room, relaxed in the sauna, got my haircut, read in the hammock and (yes!) bought el cheapo glasses and sunglasses at BJ's Wholesale after realizing that I was about to drop more money on worthless pseudo-fashion than I would spend on a week in Europe.

I'm driving to the airport right now.

Fashion: Turn to the Left

I bought a pair of cute little glasses at a trunk show at 20/20 on Third Ave. when still living in NYC. Today I was once again shopping for glasses given that mine snapped in half. The frigid air in my car last winter proved to be too much. And, contrary to the claims of men everywhere, duct tape is not a miracle panacea. I know because, fashionista that I am, I tried.

While I am soooooooo over little glasses fashion trend (over a decade is a bit long, no?), my choices around here are slim. Other options include looking like bloody Sarah Palin or adopting a Harry Potter-esque style. Right now, I'm leaning towards Mr. Magoo.

What I really want to know is: what eyewear is in style in Paris? Milan? And when are these trends going to hit the hinterlands of America? Can't a cute pair of specs make their way across the lake from Toronto in a bottle for me? Not that it matters. Around here it's de rigueur to wear crocs vs. Stuart Weitzman stilettos. I guess my eyes can be poorly dressed, as well.

We are the goon squad and we're coming to town. Beep beep.

What Not to Wear

At a client site this afternoon, I put my safety goggles on to go out on the production floor.

Upon seeing me, the Quality Manager asked, "Would you like another pair that looks better?"

OMG! Is Helen Gurley Brown out there working the lathe? Am I about to walk the red carpet to the CNC machine? I knew I should have worn more lipstick.

Apparently I don't look like Paris Hilton in safety glasses. So nice of him to notice.

Compliments!

A friend from high school told me over the weekend that he likes to keep in touch with me because I'm such a positive, encouraging influence in his life. I thought that was a really, really kind thing to say.

And then came another stupendous accolade from the girl with the purple hair behind the counter at Burger King, "Dude, way to rock that Yu-Gi-Oh! hat."

Why thank you!

No Gilt

I've been checking out the online sample sales at Gilt for awhile now. They start everyday at noon and feature designer clothes, jewelry, bedding, etc. While they have some fabulous stuff, I can't afford most of it.

Is there really an economic downturn? Either it's a resounding "no" because this stuff is selling like hotcakes or it's "yes" because it's upscale clientele who are trying to save a buck. Not sure of the demographics.

With that said, what demographic causes every unit in stock of this zebra print coat by Peter Som (at $998) to sell out within minutes but leaves this cute, crochet dress by Missoni (at a mere $298) to remain on the rack? Is the blizzard we're having today clouding judgment and making people want to wear short-sleeved fox fur? Or, once again, is it because I live in a community where fashion isn't cutting-edge that I just don't understand the appeal?



I just don't get it.

The Drive of Capitalism

Laurie, one of my clients, and I were chatting about how we became uber-career chicks. She was a drama major in college and still loves to sing; now she's a senior VP at a high-end, investment management firm. I was an English major with no direction or any aspirations for that matter.

For me, I had a life-altering capitalist moment. I had been traveling and waitressing in New Zealand and Australia for a number of months when I saw a cute, brown linen suit in a store window. It stopped me in my tracks. Short skirt. Little jacket with (I swear) a tiny brown linen bow on the back. I suddenly wanted to be the ultra-professional woman who had somewhere to wear that suit.

Aren't I lucky? Got what I wanted.

Laurie had what she calls a similar experience when she went out to meet a date. This person took one look at her car and said with distain, "Is that your car?" She said she suddenly put someone else's eyes on her own life and no longer liked what she saw. The life of poverty could no longer be romanticized. She wanted a brand new car.

Thankfully she's extremely good at what she does, her clients and her team love her and she is really happy. And she's in a relationship with someone who doesn't care what kind of car she drives even if it's a 2009 BMW.

Got what she wanted.

In God We Trust

In the sermon at church yesterday, our children's minister made the connection between the "fear" everyone is feeling during the current economic crisis (yes, Governor Palin, I was listening) and our collective inability to trust in the Lord completely.

"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth. For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?" (Matthew 6:24-26)

He went on to comment on how "In God We Trust" on our currency is more than just outdated lip service to our nation's motto (I'm paraphrasing but you get the point). It's a constant reminder that we need to put our faith in the Lord and, as a result, we'll be less anxious. In other words, no matter what happens, God's got our back.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself."

This sermon came right on the heels -- pun intended -- of a week-long search for the perfect dress and shoes for my girlfriend Kim's wedding! Never mind the wallet when you can wear Calvin Klein's finest six-inch heels this side of the Bowery. (Note: These looked ridiculous so I put them on for a joke. Joke was on me; they're cute as can be. I'm just not sure I can walk.)

Never to be worn again unless the economy takes me to flophouse ruin? Then I'll be adequately prepared for the oldest profession in the world. Well, at least my feet will be . . .

Elegance and Rebellion

My girlfriend Kim is getting married in ten days. Cannot wait!

In the process of shopping for dresses -- wedding, rehearsal dinner, dancing, whatever -- she came across some gorgeous dresses from Nicole Miller. While Kim's taste runs much wilder than mine (she's younger and more hippie chick), I really like the professional dresses on the Nicole Miller site.



What's more, I appreciate the fact that her marketing team accurately captured the subtle nuance of her style.

Nicole Miller uniquely combines the ideas of elegance and rebellion
to achieve a subtle sexiness that is the essence of modern femininity.

In this world where everything seems to be shifting to ubiquitous mall store fashion (which can be a blessing in a city like ours where style is not a top priority), it's refreshing to see elegance that works.