It's Holiday Time Again!

I sat with a client briefly yesterday to discuss the details of their holiday party: decorating the atrium and tree, food, wine, invitations, etc.

In the course of planning, I was reminded of a joke my grandfather used to tell where two friends run into each other on the street. One says to the other, "Did you hear that Myrna's having an affair?" and the other responds, "Oh? Who's the caterer?"

Padum pum.

I Dare You to Vote for Me!

According to Political Calculations, it's time for me to "Fire up the spin machine, you're ready to kick off your campaign this week! It's time to start courting donations from lobbyists and to put underlings to work deciding what you believe!"

Actually, this site calculates my "qualifications" based not on my experience in office (or lack thereof) but rather on whether or not I've ever toured with a rock band which I have not -- yet. Oddly enough, it doesn't ask race, gender or whether or not I'm a total babe. It's also more focused on my current bio. Holding all values equal, I'm still qualified for office if I am married with two sexual partners vs. in a relationship with only one. Yee haw! As I said to my brother, this doesn't account for my millions of past affairs or the fact that I'm one step away from rehab next week. As long as I'm clean and perceived to be sober today, all's well.

Not to mention that I can strangle moose barehanded . . .

My Affair Continues

Yesterday, I left the house without my wedding band on. I showed my hubby the rash on my ring finger beforehand and asked him if it was okay if I went sans ring for the day. He couldn't have cared less.

So I spent the day at a client site and checked my voicemails at the end of the day. My girlfriend Michele, with whom I was having dinner, left a message that said, "I just called work and they said you weren't there today so I'm going to try you at home and see if your husband knows where you are."

Ring-less? Not at work and not at home? Here we go again! My cover is blown!

On a side note, I did learn one valuable lesson last night: Remember to take the safety goggles off your head when dining out. Even Paris Hilton doesn't wear frames that large.

She is fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack;
She's touring the facility and picking up slack.

Somehow high fashion on the production floor doesn't quite cut it in a nice restaurant. Why is that?

Sorry Honey, You Can't Get Rid of Me That Easily!

Last Sunday, when I arrived home from church, my good friend and neighbor across the street asked if she could have a few words with me in private. There was something happening in the neighborhood that she thought I should be aware of.

Specifically: Our newest neighbor told his wife that I had left my husband for a man with whom I am having a long-term affair. Whoa! His wife then told their next door neighbor who called her friend across the street (at her beach house in NJ) who sent an email to my next door neighbor who forwarded it to my friend across the street who then asked her next door neighbor . . .

And so on. And so on.

At first, I had an immediate flash of anger. And then, about a minute later, I started to laugh. This man and his wife just moved here and I don’t think they’re out to get me. Obviously they have me confused with someone else. So I told my girlfriend to find out if the lucky guy is a) rich and b) handsome. If so, keep the rumor going!

This whole episode made me ponder how to create an effective rumor that will defame someone forever. I decided it was best to make something up that is bizarre enough that people will talk about it yet embarrassing enough that no one will actually feel comfortable sharing it with the actual “defendant” so to speak. In other words, it can’t be so over-the-top that people will be willing and able to verify it.

For example, one of the aforementioned neighbors also told the entire neighborhood about the woman on the corner of our street (and one of her best friends oddly enough) who takes pride in shoplifting from Home Depot. (Given my loathing of that retail chain, I’m less appalled than I would be otherwise.) Now that’s an effective rumor! You can’t really say anything to the woman like "Hey, I heard you're a clepto" but her “five finger discount” imagery sticks in everyone’s minds.

To make matters worse, apparently the new neighbors gave this same woman the key to their house and, upon leaving for vacation, she allegedly called her so-called friend and asked, “Want to go check out their house?” Once again, the friend shared with people what may not even be true -- but it's definitely a highly effective way of continuing to perpetuate that poor woman's image! (With friends like that . . .)

In any event, I’m just glad that I’m now known for my “Scandelicious” exploits and not for my growing collection of power tools.