One of my best friends since the first grade came over for wine and cheese a few weeks ago. The kids, mainly Son #2, have a running gag with her where they pretend to drink too much (i.e., head back, fist to mouth, thumb to lips, pinkie in air), stagger around the room and then get behind the wheel of a car (i.e., two fists turning an invisible steering wheel) while making screeching tire noises. Very rude behavior from disrespectful children. Not to mention, completely undeserved. Thankfully, she laughs.
Son #2, our resident comedian, even coined a new nickname for her. In response to me calling her a "soccer mom," he stated, "More like a sake mom."
It'll be hard to live that one down.
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Nuttin' Honey
Tip #1 on how to make a fourth grade boy totally crack up: Call your wife "honey."
Did you just call her honey? Ha! I've never heard that one before!
Did you just call her honey? Ha! I've never heard that one before!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
It's Holiday Time Again!
I sat with a client briefly yesterday to discuss the details of their holiday party: decorating the atrium and tree, food, wine, invitations, etc.
In the course of planning, I was reminded of a joke my grandfather used to tell where two friends run into each other on the street. One says to the other, "Did you hear that Myrna's having an affair?" and the other responds, "Oh? Who's the caterer?"
Padum pum.
In the course of planning, I was reminded of a joke my grandfather used to tell where two friends run into each other on the street. One says to the other, "Did you hear that Myrna's having an affair?" and the other responds, "Oh? Who's the caterer?"
Padum pum.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Everybody Wants Some
Driving home from swimming off my brother-in-law's boat on Sunday, the boys and I had the following, painstaking conversation filled with the comic delivery of a six-year-old.
Me: Hey, you guys like this band. Do you know this song?
Son #1: No. Who is it?
Me: Guess.
Son #2: Poison? (No.)
Son #2: Motley Crew? (No.)
Son #2: Guns n' Roses? (No.)
Son #2: Poison? (No.) (Son #1: You just said that.)
Son #2: Motley Crew? (No.) (Son #1: You just said that, too.)
Son #2: Guns n' Roses? (No.) (We're laughing now.)
Son #1: Cheap Trick.
Me: No, but closer.
Son #2: Cheap Dick?
Me: Stop it with the dick jokes.
Son #1: Scorpions?
Me: I'll give you a hint -- it starts with the letter V.
Son #2: Vorpions?
Son #1: Van Halen!
Son #2: You mean Bad Halen.
Picky, picky. And although I'm not a huge rock n' roller, I think that song is great, no?
Me: Hey, you guys like this band. Do you know this song?
Son #1: No. Who is it?
Me: Guess.
Son #2: Poison? (No.)
Son #2: Motley Crew? (No.)
Son #2: Guns n' Roses? (No.)
Son #2: Poison? (No.) (Son #1: You just said that.)
Son #2: Motley Crew? (No.) (Son #1: You just said that, too.)
Son #2: Guns n' Roses? (No.) (We're laughing now.)
Son #1: Cheap Trick.
Me: No, but closer.
Son #2: Cheap Dick?
Me: Stop it with the dick jokes.
Son #1: Scorpions?
Me: I'll give you a hint -- it starts with the letter V.
Son #2: Vorpions?
Son #1: Van Halen!
Son #2: You mean Bad Halen.
Picky, picky. And although I'm not a huge rock n' roller, I think that song is great, no?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
A Cancer in the Organization
When I left the company run by one of New York's Worst Bosses, I was hired immediately by a well respected not-for-profit that was run by two co-Executive Directors: clinical and business management. The latter of the two became my boss.
During my interview, the clinical Executive Director warned me that my soon-to-be-boss told off-color jokes. I assured her that it didn't bother me in the slightest. I had, in fact, met him at a a Broadway show where he introduced himself as a proctologist. Not all that funny but whatever.
Everything at this job went fairly smoothly. He would leave around 11:00 a.m. every day to go to lunch and come back to the office around 3:00 p.m. drunk. Because he left me alone to do my job, his behavior didn't actually bother me at all. And the majority of his sexual innuendos were stated in front of others presumably for comedic effect. They usually elicited a chuckle from me.
One day he took me and my girlfriend, who was then working for People magazine, to lunch and began peppering us with all sorts of questions like "where is the wildest place you've ever had sex?" (She later confided in me that she made all of her answers up because her real life sounded too boring.) It was a strange lunch but not, for whatever reason, alarming. I think because he seemed so benign at the time -- and I was just grateful to be in a relatively stress-free environment.
A few weeks later, our institute held a black-tie, fund raising event at the University Club after which he invited me for drinks. I declined. The next day, he came into work still in his tuxedo and shared with me that he had gone to a neighborhood bar, picked up two young girls, went back to their hotel room and had a threesome. "You should have come with me."
Please note: this man had a wife and young baby in CT.
Finally, I started getting the creeps. He then began asking me to lunch and I kept putting him off until one Friday, I agreed, under the premise that we were going to talk about my performance and possible new initiatives.
We sat down at a two-person table with banquette seating. There were customers dining at tables on either side of us who were so close that they could have joined in the conversation. Instead, they just listened in.
My boss then proceeded to tell me that he loves making sexual comments in front of others because my chest heaves (ew!) and that he fantasizes about "doing me" in the Board room. Why I continued eating, I'll never know. What else was said, I cannot remember. I just remember the silence at the tables on either side of us. And his silence when I finally stood up and quit.
For whatever reason, we walked back to the building together in silence, and then road the elevator together with the silence punctured by my co-worker Lisa's friendly, "Hi guys!" greeting as we joined her.
Lisa later shared with me that I was one of a long string of women hired for that position. Same story; different girl.
She also shared with me that, after I left, this same man brought in a package of rub-on tattoos and told the entire staff that whoever put a tattoo in the most interesting place on his/her body would get a day off. He then sat in his office and screened the results, one-by-one, behind closed doors.
Needless to say, he was ultimately fired but I still can't imagine why he wasn't let go much sooner. When I told my story to the other Executive Director, her only comment was, "I warned you." No, you didn't. In my opinion, off-color jokes are vastly different than sexual harassment. Both, however, may qualify for dismissal.
I wonder what, if anything, he was holding over her head.
During my interview, the clinical Executive Director warned me that my soon-to-be-boss told off-color jokes. I assured her that it didn't bother me in the slightest. I had, in fact, met him at a a Broadway show where he introduced himself as a proctologist. Not all that funny but whatever.
Everything at this job went fairly smoothly. He would leave around 11:00 a.m. every day to go to lunch and come back to the office around 3:00 p.m. drunk. Because he left me alone to do my job, his behavior didn't actually bother me at all. And the majority of his sexual innuendos were stated in front of others presumably for comedic effect. They usually elicited a chuckle from me.
One day he took me and my girlfriend, who was then working for People magazine, to lunch and began peppering us with all sorts of questions like "where is the wildest place you've ever had sex?" (She later confided in me that she made all of her answers up because her real life sounded too boring.) It was a strange lunch but not, for whatever reason, alarming. I think because he seemed so benign at the time -- and I was just grateful to be in a relatively stress-free environment.
A few weeks later, our institute held a black-tie, fund raising event at the University Club after which he invited me for drinks. I declined. The next day, he came into work still in his tuxedo and shared with me that he had gone to a neighborhood bar, picked up two young girls, went back to their hotel room and had a threesome. "You should have come with me."
Please note: this man had a wife and young baby in CT.
Finally, I started getting the creeps. He then began asking me to lunch and I kept putting him off until one Friday, I agreed, under the premise that we were going to talk about my performance and possible new initiatives.
We sat down at a two-person table with banquette seating. There were customers dining at tables on either side of us who were so close that they could have joined in the conversation. Instead, they just listened in.
My boss then proceeded to tell me that he loves making sexual comments in front of others because my chest heaves (ew!) and that he fantasizes about "doing me" in the Board room. Why I continued eating, I'll never know. What else was said, I cannot remember. I just remember the silence at the tables on either side of us. And his silence when I finally stood up and quit.
For whatever reason, we walked back to the building together in silence, and then road the elevator together with the silence punctured by my co-worker Lisa's friendly, "Hi guys!" greeting as we joined her.
Lisa later shared with me that I was one of a long string of women hired for that position. Same story; different girl.
She also shared with me that, after I left, this same man brought in a package of rub-on tattoos and told the entire staff that whoever put a tattoo in the most interesting place on his/her body would get a day off. He then sat in his office and screened the results, one-by-one, behind closed doors.
Needless to say, he was ultimately fired but I still can't imagine why he wasn't let go much sooner. When I told my story to the other Executive Director, her only comment was, "I warned you." No, you didn't. In my opinion, off-color jokes are vastly different than sexual harassment. Both, however, may qualify for dismissal.
I wonder what, if anything, he was holding over her head.
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