Growing up, we were not encouraged to relax. "Don't just watch TV; fold some laundry while you're sitting there." It was truly decadent when we went up the stairs without carrying something that needed to go up.
Today, it's hard for me to simply go on vacation without feeling pangs of insecurity. As much as I love lounging in the sun, reading books, swimming in the ocean (which is, by the way, the perfect temp right now) and pretty much doing nothing, I feel guilty. Not that it stops me from doing it; it just stops me from fully enjoying it.
Yesterday, I noticed that I was practically levitating while I was on the beach. My body was so taut that it wasn't even sinking into the sand. I physically had to keep relaxing my body: one part at a time.
When my girlfriend told me that it might rain tomorrow, my initial thought was, "That would be kind of cool because I have a company valuation that I need to complete before Monday." And, yes, with only a small carry on to my name, I still brought the financials with me. No need to pack cute clothes when I can carry work with me.
The worst part is that I offered to cancel my trip last minute if my boss would pay the cancellation fee. Why? Because I think I need to drop dead first before I am entitled to a vacation. This was offered even after my acupuncturist told me last week that she could barely find a pulse and my vital signs were worse than in all the years she's known me.
So here's my prayer for continued sunshine tomorrow. A work-free day filled with solitude and gratitude.
1 comment:
well, at least you're having fun. and i bet no one peed in your mattress.
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