Steve Madden NFL

And now for a new addition to the list of things that I never thought I'd have to say:
"Don't chase your brother while he's wearing high heels."

Let Me Off!

Taking her cues from our client, my boss wrote the following in a presentation for today, "Breaks will be provided throughout the meeting. Healthy minds and bodies produce better thinking!"

Later, there is a section about living a healthy lifestyle that poses the question, "What one thing should you change about your lifestyle to be healthier?"

Around 9:30 p.m. last night, after her flight home was delayed, cancelled, re-booked, etc. she called me, at work, from LaGuardia. I just had to bust her chops re: this new found, softer side.

"Oh, did you like that?" she asked while chuckling.

"Yeah, and I have an answer to the 'one thing I should change' question, too! I think my boss needs to move to Colorado and I should get a new job!"

I'm not sure if it was the later hour, the much-needed stress relief or just the sheer hilarity of visualizing her presenting these work/life balance tidbits, but we were laughing so hard, I had tears rolling down my cheeks.

Sure, our balance is not optimal, but it helps to have some fun in the midst.

There's No I in Family

When we moved from NYC to VA, we bought a cheap mattress (of the penny-for-a-box-spring variety) for the guest bedroom mainly so a pregnant me wouldn't have to sleep on the floor for few weeks before my husband, and furniture, arrived. Poor Son #1 has been sleeping on it ever since he moved into his "big boy bed." So last week, we finally got him a real mattress so that the remainder of his childhood could be spent getting a proper night's sleep. Amazing difference.

In the constant, he-got-x-so-I-deserve-y logical argument that happens among kids, Son #2 has been dropping subtle hints that he wants a new mattress. Not exactly inexpensive, huh.

While the next story may sound unrelated at first, I'll bring it back, I promise.

A few weeks ago, we were hanging out with my girlfriends. One friend told a "There's no 'I' in team story" except that she had said to her brother, "There's no 'I' in family" to which he responded, "Uh yeah, Mary, there is." The kids thought that was hilarious and keep quoting it, building on it, making up new ones, etc.

The other night, Son #2 added this gem to the collection, "There's no "i" in team and I have no "f" in mattress."

Blokus

Son #2 and I were in Barnes & Noble looking for ideas for the neighborhood gift swap. I came across a strategy game I had never seen before and asked, "What about Blokus?" which I pronounced BLOWkus.

He looked at the box and started laughing at me, "Uh mom, judging by the box, I'm guessing it's pronounced BLOCKus." He then spent the rest of our time in the store chuckling and repeating BLOWkus under his breath.

Now he's using it in all sorts of sentences.

The hubby and I were laughing our heads off the other night. Son #2 came down from his bedroom where he's supposed to be sleeping, "What's all the BLOWkus down here?"

This morning I told him he looked very handsome. "Yeah, that's a lot of BLOWkus."

I'm afraid of what's next.

Photo Per Day #4: Funny Boy

Every once in a while, I test the kids' ability to stay out of trouble by peppering them with questions such as, "You're playing in the yard when some dude drives up and tells you that he cannot find his puppy. Do you help?" (Answer: no, freak.)

Last night, I asked the age-old don't let anyone know your parents are not home question, "I am out for a little while and the phone rings. Where do you tell them I am?"

Son #2: "I just tell them you can't come to the phone 'cause you're dropping some friends off at the lake."

Great. That'll work.

Tonight's picture is him greeting me at the door as I came home at 8:15 p.m. Crazy boy.

Cool for Cats

Son #2: Mom, can I take a bath with Tiger?

Me: No. Cats don't take baths.

Son #2 (with thumbs pointing at his chest): This cat does.

Land Where My Father Died

The boys were just asking me if the world was coming to an end in 2012. Nope. Then we were talking about if the sun was going blow up in 50 million years. No idea. In 50 million years, will our great, great, great (keep going) grandchildren be living on this planet? Who knows.

Me: If so, they'll have zero knowledge of us. We're just here for a flash and then forgotten.

Monkey: Yeah, I only know one thing about your dad. He was in the Navy in WWII and he died of patriotic cancer.

Wow. That sounds so much more inspirational than pancreatic cancer. Let freedom ring!

Wonderwall

It's not usually my style to tell other people's stories on this blog (that should be reserved for their blogs) but I heard Oasis on the radio this morning which always reminds me of one of the dads in the neighborhood next to ours. I barely know this man, aside from buying our kitchen floor from him this past year, but he's probably one of the funniest people I've ever met.

He's also a gigantic fan of Oasis and claims that the band changed his life. Specifically, "Oasis rocked my world."

One weekend a friend of his, a concert promoter in Philadelphia, invited him down to an Oasis concert. Backstage passes. The whole nine yards. Turns out that afterward, Oasis was playing a private show at an upscale nightclub in Atlantic City. These guys ended up getting invited by the band, taking a limo to Atlantic City in the wee hours of the morning and attending this private party filled with rich and famous people.

To make his story even more over-the-top, the party was sponsored by some high-end, Grey Goose-like liquor brand and atop the bar were a string of almost-naked, dancing models who were wearing, based on his description, a light steel-rim contraption that served as a bra (of sorts) complete with motorized propellers over the boobs.

Of course, this 40-something man -- who left his wife and kids at home in suburbia -- was completely agog. Just as he was ordering his martini, the model directly above him, stepped down from her perch to take a break and stood right next to him for a moment. He looked her in the eye and said, "You are so hot."

She replied, "No shit."

And then she walked away.

I simply love the obviousness of her response. No shit.

Body on Tarp

It takes a lot for me to like any of today's advertising (except for the Weezer Snuggie, of course); however, the following commercial, that I saw on TV yesterday, is an exception. While its origin may have been as a spoof, its point is extremely well taken. And it's funny. Gotta love that!



At the rate I'm going, I'll need a body tarp soon. Alas, no Crunch gym near me.

Total Request Live

For all of my family members (i.e., Mom and Sis) who now love Citygirl, please note the convenient addition of Mudflap Bubbas on my blogroll to the left. You can thank me this weekend with a pitcher of sangria and some Fritos.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Son #2 is rapidly gaining his father's sense of humor and, along with that, his inherent disrespect. Thankfully, I think it's funny (for now).

Case #1: As I was learning to skateboard over the weekend, and unsuccessfully attempting to guide the skateboard toward one of the ramps in the driveway, Son #2 shouted, "head to the left." When my poorly directed skateboard continued veering slightly right, he then deadpanned under his breath, "your other left." Tough crowd.

Case #2: This morning, I bumped my head on the kids' wooden coat hook when I was bending over to pick up my laptop bag. As I laughed aloud, I could hear a little voice from the couch asking, "Uh, first time with the backpack, mom?" Sheesh. No margin of error allowed.

All I'm askin' is for a little respect (just a little bit).

Wolfgang Puck

While playing hockey in the driveway yesterday, Son #2 flipped the puck in the air, raised his stick and quickly maneuvered so the puck landed perfectly on the outstretched, horizontal stick.

Then, without skipping a beat, he deadpanned, "Did somebody order a pizza?"

All You Do to Me is Talk Talk

My boss just escaped a meeting in her office, came into my office, shut the door and started working, talking, working, talking.

Boss (referring to the people camped out): I don't know about you but I have a hard time working when there are other people talking in my office.

Me (looking up from my keyboard): Just wondering, do you happen to see any irony in that statement?

Oh, Snap!

What all men should wear under their skirts, er, pants.



From the blogger on Jezebel: "I dare you to imagine every man you see today is wearing one of these items under his clothes. This includes the dudes you work with and people on TV. (Barack Obama? Larry King?)"

Oh no. Poor Thomas, a client from Philadelphia, who's coming in at noon. Noooooooo!

Actually, when compared with the other disturbing images in that posting, the skirted men's underwear is rather tame. I dare you to look. And then check out the Sears catalog from 1972 and International Male from 1986. Riveting!

Many thanks to my sister for an auspicious start to the day.

My First Dictionary

I just added another blog to my favorite sites: My First Dictionary. Disturbing yet funny!

Paul Ruddiculous

I love Paul Rudd. I like pretty much every character he plays from Josh on Clueless to Ethan the Drug Lord on Reno 911. He's cute yet funny. I've been told he's short. Do I care? And now there's this: Paul Rudd posing as Tom Ford (for Vanity Fair). Granted, it's hard not to look hot when you're the only man in a suit positioned next to a bunch of overweight guys in flesh-colored bodysuits. But still!



And now for Annie Leibovitz's original photo. Sure Keira Knightley is stunning but she's no match for Paul Rudd.

Nice Timing!

I just received a six-color, three-panel, die-cut, coated, foldout brochure with pocket containing an application for membership and "call to action" for FREE (all caps!) access to an exclusive Webcast and a $20 gift card if I join by October 31, 2008. The worst part: it's from the American Marketing Association!

Maybe they should be taking some pointers from the Direct Marketing Association on how to get their expensive mail in their prospects' mailboxes before the deadline -- not 3+ months too late.

"Marketing is moving in new directions. How will you navigate it?"

In hindsight, that pseudo-compelling headline now sounds suspiciously like they're really asking for advice. I think I'll avoid the $215 membership dues entirely and "navigate my way to greater success" alone.

Mini-weekend: Day 3

I'm shocked that this is the third week (albeit not in a row) of a mid-week day off. And because I worked six days last week, I'm taking two (2!) days off this week. I'm living the life of Riley!

Highlights of today included:

• Waiting for the bus in the morning while the kids played in the igloo across the street. My neighbor called out, "Does everyone know rule #1 about playing in the igloo?" to which the 10 year old boy next door responded, "No smoking?" (The real answer: no climbing on top while kids are inside.)
• Spending 1.5 hours with my BMC/body-mind centering teacher. What's the point of a day off if you cannot spend time de-stressing and transforming your life?
• Playing hockey until my fingertips froze
  
• Cleaning!

What's next?

Ahhh Shopping Mall City

Son #1: I really like that one song about the woman who gets her purse stolen.

Me: I don't think I know that one.

Son #1: Yes you do, mama. The one that goes, "Ahhhhh wham bam thank you ma'am."

Me: Is THAT what that's about?

Son #1: Yeah, the guy runs up, swipes her once and misses, tries again, hits her with a thud, steals her purse and screams "thank you" as he's running away.

All these years I've been listening and never understood the real storyline. Who knew?

Bedtime

Moments ago, I asked Son #2, who was looking very groggy on the couch, "Monkey, are you sleepy?"

He responded, "You haven't heard the last of me."

Nothing is standard issue in this house.