Love and Other Things

Over the weekend, I discovered that:

1. A single martini feels much stronger when you subsequently have to navigate an airport. But cocktails with girlfriends trump more rational decisions any day.
2. JetBlue still doesn't have its act together. Their computer system somehow assigned more than one person per seat on our 10:40 p.m. flight to the ROC so they gave up and shouted to the boarding passengers "ignore your seat assignment and just grab the first seat that's open." Unable to bear the thought of a night in Queens, lil' ole alcohol-bolstered me forged ahead taking no prisoners. To quote Ted Nugent, it was a free-for-all. And I won. (Clasped hands raised in trophy pose.)
3. Playgrounds are very, very slippery when covered with snow. Dangerous yet heaps o' fun. Note to my vast readership of playground equipment developers: you should conduct in situ research during winter conditions to avoid lawsuits. Seriously. Even the wood chips underfoot were frozen. 
4. Snow covered slides will launch you (or in this case, me) into the air like a human cannonball.
5. Landing on your back is more palatable when dressed like Nanook of the North.
6. Lastly, ten year old boys have girlfriends. And they kiss. And use the word "love." They also share these details openly with their friend's mom (i.e., me) over hot soup. 

Labatt Blue and I Love Beer

If I were in marketing for Labatt Blue, I would be tempted to leverage the I ♥ NY and JetBlue design collaboration and co-opt it for my own. A little something like this perhaps but with their proper font, of course.

Anything to take a bit of the wind from JetBlew's sails, eh, especially when it wasn't so long ago that they were threatening to move their headquarters to Florida. Fair weather (aka NYS incentive) friends claiming one of our finest cities for their own? I won't let them get away with this. (Insert shaking fist.)

Let 'em move, I say. Then JetBlue can form an iconic partnership with Florida tourism. Oh, I know: "Flying with JetBlue is like three days without sunshine."

I see a future promotional job for Anita Bryant in the works.

JetBlew: The Screwquel

In addition to issuing this apology, I think the JetBlew CEO, David Neeleman, needs to go on CBS's Undercover Boss preferably as he and his family are traveling to a much-needed vacation. What better way to witness the company's immense inefficiencies firsthand?

In case he's too important to subjugate himself to a horror of that magnitude, here's my account of our trip home for his files:

• In Barbados, the bag count on the jet differed from the count on the ground. Result: almost a two hour delay while they removed all of the bags, recounted them and placed them back on the aircraft. While I'm grateful that we didn't fly away with a bomb on the aircraft, I think that JetBlew could have taken that same time to order food for its passengers: 150 passengers * $5 sandwich = $750 goodwill. Instead, 150 passengers boarding after lunch + Doritos mix for dinner = hunger at 10:00 p.m.
• On-board, the flight attendant moved us up to the front of the plane in mid-descent to ensure we could hustle through customs and make our flight which was "delayed until 11:00 p.m." and "being held" for us (i.e., she stated that she called ahead).
• In JFK, we literally ran through the airport -- from Terminal 4 to Terminal 5 via Air Train -- with our luggage. And by "we," I mean me, my 76 year old mother and two kids ages 8 and 9. At any time of the day, this would be exhausting. At 10:00 p.m., I was worried someone would collapse. 
• Because we switched terminals, we had to recheck our bags and go through security again. As we entered the security line, the woman glanced at our tickets and said, "Go to the left and run to Gate 23, they're holding the plane for you."
• No plane at Gate 23. 
• "There was a gate change. Run to Gate 10; we'll call ahead to let them know you're here."
• No plane at Gate 10. 
• "Try Gate 25." 
• No plane at Gate 25. 
• Back at Gate 23, we asked for more help and told the lady what happened. 
• "It left here 15 minutes ago. No one told me to hold it." (Note: it was now 10:50 p.m. which means it wasn't really delayed until 11:00 p.m. or being held for us.)
• We then told her what we'd been through. Her question: "You dragged your luggage here? Why didn't they recheck your bags in Terminal 4?" How the hell should we know? WTF? (Everyone from our flight was running with their luggage.)
• This kind lady placed the four of us on the first flight to Rochester the following morning. "Get here by 7:30 a.m. because the lines at that time are really long. You can then relax and have Dunkin' Donuts by the gate." Good to know. 
• "Would you like a hotel room or would you prefer to sleep in the airport?" Seriously? What family ranging in ages from 8 to 76 would prefer to sleep in the airport? She booked us at the Doubletree. 
• Arrive at the Doubletree to discover that they have not been notified -- even though their driver came to pick us up. The woman at registration then places a number of calls to different JetBlew teams to determine if we're authorized. Time now: almost midnight. Kids: starving.
• The next morning, we arrive at JFK to discover that only I'm on the 9:25 a.m. flight and the rest of my family is booked on the 7:30 p.m. flight. Why? No one knows. So much for getting everyone up and to the terminal early. Worse yet, there's a 1:30 p.m. flight with available seats. Idiocy at its finest. Somehow we manage to get two seats on the first flight for my mom and Son #1 to get home (because he has a party to attend) and Son #2 and I spend the day in the airport. Again.

As much as I love, love, loved our vacation in Barbados, I never, ever, ever want to fly again. Ever. Any carrier. Never. Especially JetBlew.

Nothing in the world is perfect
Grin and bear it silently or yell into my ear
Complaints, it's my department

JetBlew It

Yeah, I know: snowstorms screw up flights. But I've discovered that the chaos can be severely compounded. Take JetBlew, for example. Just prior to this storm that overtook the East coast, they upgraded their computer system which resulted in a planned outage. Seriously? In this day and age with testing, up/downtime statistics, sandboxes, etc.?

So here's what has happened so far on our "vacation":

• JetBlew changed our confirmation number due to the system change but never communicated the change. We could not log in to confirm: call #1
• Even the new JetBlew confirmation number shows an error on the online system (i.e., states that it doesn't match my last name) and my TrueBlew number says that I have no upcoming flights: call #2
• JetBlew canceled our flight out of the Roch so I scrambled to leave work, took the kids out of school and checked into a hotel in sunny Jamaica, NY: call #3 (due to high call volumes, we cannot handle your call at this time) and call #4 (40 minute wait time)
• Awoke early to discover that our flight to Barbados this morning was preemptively canceled -- long before the snow even dusted the ground: call #5 during which I was on hold for over an hour as I walked through the hotel, waited for the airport shuttle, took the shuttle and finally hung up as I entered the airport
• At the airport was told (with a straight face) that tomorrow's flight was fully booked and that the next flight with any availability was the 16th (i.e., the day before we come home). Huh? And there's nothing anyone can do?
• My new friend Dany must have been thinking "This'll get rid of her" as he told me to call JetBlew after noon to see if they opened new flights for tomorrow. If so, maybe we could get on one. 
• Called at 1:00 p.m. to see if they opened new flights, held for 40 more minutes and the lady basically laughed at me. She said, "I've never heard that one. Someone told you that?" She then said that my best bet would be to get on the standby list. Where? Oh yeah, gotta go back to the airport for that at least 24 hours before the flight (i.e., exactly when I was at the airport last time) 
• Back to the airport for me where I stood by the counter for 2 hours and 48 minutes while the entire staff tried to figure out the new computer system. First they could only get me on standby. Then they could get only my mom and kids on standby and I was kicked off. Nothing would work. It took six people almost three hours to figure it out. As far as I know, we're on standby. Standby on a full flight that's likely to be canceled, as well.
• Wait, six people all helping little ole me? Why yes because there were probably 30 JetBlew staff members standing around doing nothing in an empty terminal while thousands of people were on interminable hold with their call centers. Talk about poor resource allocation. 
• Interminable hold you say? Why yes and listening to on-hold messages like "Take a Vacation!"

Key lesson learned: JetBlew is a one-trick-pony.

In other words, without partnerships or reciprocal agreements, if your flight is canceled, you're SOL. They don't even suggest placing you with another carrier; they just ruin your vacation.

One guy next to me on line this morning was freaking out because he attempted to fly out last night and they wouldn't put him on the flight. They were asking for $450 because he was confirmed on today's flight. This morning, his flight was canceled and they couldn't rebook him until next Tuesday. I thought he was going to pummel someone.

The JetBlew woman who was handling him was curt and borderline nasty. "There's nothing we can do about the weather." (Aside, other carriers including Delta, American and Japan Air were still flying international. We could hear planes flying overhead throughout the day as we were stranded.)

She's right but a little compassion would go a long way.

I need a hug. And a suntan. Instead, my mom, kids and I are probably heading back to Rochester tomorrow filled with dashed hopes.

United breaks guitars. JetBlew breaks hearts.