I Wanna Be Your Dog

While the following story doesn't rankle me as much as my interminable Home Depot experience, my Dell hell, my two separate Delta experiences that I've never even chronicled (yet), or this Maytag debacle my brother found on Dooce, I have new found issues with Verizon Wireless.

Specifically, or at least initially, I was annoyed by the fact that the battery on my new phone won't hold a charge. I only got a new phone because my last one died, refused to recharge and, as a result, I lost everyone's numbers. But, I simply don't like the phone that I chose. I picked it out of necessity, out of a lack of time to think and out of a desire to not have to purchase all new accessories because, invariably, the cables on different brands/models are different.

Lo and behold, I can't easily swap batteries at Verizon. Instead they took my phone and placed it on a 1.5 hour test call which, in their words, "only went down a bar" apparently indicating that my phone is okay and I'm smoking crack.

Me: I rarely even use the thing. Look up my usage. How is it possible that I have to recharge it every day?
Service tech: Do you text a lot?
Me: I rarely text at all.
Service tech: Do you have poor reception at work?
Me: No.
Service tech: Do you store it in a locker?
Me: No. No. No. Not only do I not store it in a locker, it's a brand new phone. I'm comparing it to my last phone of the same brand which did not have to be charged constantly.
Service tech: Well, the new batteries are not as good as the old batteries.
Me: Did I just hear that correctly? And there's nothing we can do about that?
Service tech: That's right.
Me: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're telling me that I'm SOL?
Service tech: Not in those words.
Me: Can I get a new phone?

Nope. Verizon won't let me trade in or up for another two years. It's how their crappy contracts are written. To hell with customer satisfaction.

But wait. Here's the kicker! I got a call that night (just a few short minutes later) from Verizon offering a new contract to raise my minutes.

Me: Why would I want to raise my minutes?
Call center lady: You had a sharp increase in minutes last month.
Me: Wow. How is that possible? I was out of the country for a week and phone-less in a conference room in CA the following week.
Call center lady: It jumped from 300 last month to over 400 this month.
Me: Well, let's just assume that was a blip and I'll raise my contract if it continues.

And a minute after I hung up, I realized what had happened. They were subverting the minutes used for my TEST call to talk me into a new blinkin' contract.

So. Messed. Up.