Big Night Out

I heard on the radio this morning that Snooki from Jersey Shore was in town last night promoting herself at Woody's. The chick who called into the program said that Snooki spent less than 10 minutes at the bar, didn't speak with anyone, was upset that there were so many people in the VIP room, left, returned for another five minutes and that was it.

My thoughts:

• I want a television show! One that allows me to be devoid of all talents yet pays well. I'll even keep my underwear on. (Promise.) And I'll try not to get punched in the face. (Fingers crossed.)
  
• If I had a television show, I would be so grateful for anyone who came, nay paid, to see me on my world tour of dive bars that I would smile continuously, give big hugs and thank them profusely for watching. Then I would do a shot with them. Why not?
  
• I would rather be the host of Three Sheets than a cast member of Jersey Shore. Either way, I would be out boozing it up every episode; however, Three Sheets would enable me to travel, check out myriad different types of bars and avoid the perpetually tanned, weight lifting, machismo men that Snooki has to endure. 
• Before Jersey Shore, I thought "I've never met a beach I didn't like." (Better yet: I got 99 problems but the beach ain't one. Hit me!) Alas, I was wrong. I would rather be beachless on Three Sheets than anywhere within 10 miles of wherever they film Jersey Shore. 
• I'm concerned that my Yankees hats/caps are now associated with penultimate douchebaggery. Do I have to become a Mets fan after all of these years? 

Now I'm trying to figure out what my new TV show should be. Three Sheets is clearly taken. No Reservations is not only taken but nobody can do it as well as Anthony Bourdain. Same for Top Gear -- but, boy, are they having some fun in life. I don't think I would have a large audience if I traveled throughout the world to religious shrines and sites (especially if I'm boozing). What does that leave me with?

Here's what I'm thinking: how about a night out somewhere uber-trendy or interesting with someone famous? Kind of like the weekly A night out with column in the "Style" section of the Sunday New York Times but fun and interactive. With cocktails. First up: John Cusack. Followed immediately by David Bowie, Zooey Deschanel, John Oliver, etc.

I would be living the dream of middle aged housewives worldwide!

A girl can dream, right?

Bait and Switch Hitting

Before we got married, my husband assured me that he wasn't the type of guy who sat in front of the TV watching football. Oh, thank God!

What he neglected to mention is that he's an avid baseball (Mets) and hockey (Rangers) fan. Two sports that have nightly games and overlapping seasons (i.e., no respite, never, ever). And it doesn't matter if his favorite team is not playing; he'll watch any game.

I don't really mind given that a) I'm much more of a reader and b) he records shows for me. But here's the kicker: The kids have already learned that the remote and the TV are properties of the men in our house. Case in point? They will actually walk into the room where I may be watching TV, pick up the remote and change the channel without thinking twice.

"Dude, did you not notice that I'm watching something?"

"Oh, right, sorry mama. Uh, can I watch baseball?"

The fun part is that they're both totally into Little League this year. And the hubby gave to me a new black leather mitt of my own complete with a pink strip around the wrist. So we spent Sunday afternoon playing baseball on the diamond at school and later in the backyard with our new, rubber bases.

I wonder what the yard is going to look like this summer.

Oh wait, I got my answer!