Ah! The Joke's on Me!

I've decided that if you list all of the attributes of the perfect spouse (e.g., rich, handsome, kind, generous, pleasant, tidy, faithful), not only should "funny" be at the top of the list, it should be weighted more heavily than all of the other attributes combined--especially if you're like I am and take life a bit too seriously at times. Because when life hands you lemons, you may as well have someone beside you to unexpectedly squeeze them into your face and make you laugh.

Last week, I went to Stein Mart, home of the epic sale, and bought a slew of black sweaters, black skirts, black dresses, gray dresses, and so on (i.e., my daily work wardrobe) and only spent $200. I was soooo proud of myself. (Aside: I love how the Stein Mart receipt tallies your supposed savings! What a psychological boost to see that I presumably saved over $950.)

Hubby: Congratulations! You just spent $200 buying stuff you already own!

Last night, our family was watching a Nova episode entitled "Can We Live Forever?" in which they profiled the 13-lined ground squirrel -- an animal that can survive an experience which should have left him for dead: hibernation.

Hubby: Oh! I thought they were going to say "marriage."

Ha. Good for an unexpected laugh out of me and the thumbs-up from Son #1.

Short story long. It reminded me of a day spent, many moons ago, in pre-cana (i.e., mandatory premarital counseling for those being wed in the Catholic church). Our guide for the day was a deacon of the church and his wife, a woman of considerable heft. You could hide a Twinkie in her folds if she didn't get to it first. My most vivid memory of the day was when he talked about how he found God whenever he and his wife made love. Seriously. T! M! I!

Anyhoo, at our table were three women named Laura and Cathy Turner, local Olympic gold medalist in speed skating, along with their soon-to-be spouses. Each couple received a workbook that had a picture of a happy couple doing a crossword puzzle together. The first word, horizontal, was being filled in by the dude holding a pencil with the word "marriage." How sweet, right?

While the rest of the room was taking their partnering exercises very seriously, our whole table was cracking jokes. Turned out to be a pretty fun day, all things considered. At one point, I glanced at the cover of our workbook and noticed that my lovely boyfriend had drawn a speech bubble over the guy's photo and written, "Honey, what's an eight-letter word for incarceration?"

Upon reflection, I think that may have set the tone for our far-from-perfect but still funny marriage. I wonder how the rest of the couples in that room fared?

Seventeen Years of Gluttony

The hubby and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary last weekend by dining out at a pricey restaurant (or, in this case, ristorante) and overeating so much that I could have died on the drive home. Or, at the very least, pulled over on the side of the road and hurled my arancini e penne. Thankfully, we decided to forgo anniversary gifts in lieu of buying a case of Slim-Fast at BJ's immediately thereafter.

God help me. 

The Way I Am

Our church service yesterday was absolutely gorgeous. The sanctuary was beautifully decorated with fresh greens and the trees were covered with white lights. We had an orchestra and full choir accompaniment as we sang all of the traditional Christmas hymns. At the end, as we stood to leave, I said to Son #2, "I just don't want this to end."

He replied, "Yeah, you should've married Pastor Rob."

I responded, "Hmmm. Daddy might not like that" to which he replied, "Neither would I."

"Why not?"

"Because he would probably make us go to church every week."

True. And he might not take me the way I am.

Ingrid Michaelson "The Way I Am" (music video)
Uploaded by Ingrid_Michaelson. - Explore more music videos.

Mrs. Laura David

So when you're continually slogging it out at work and dreaming of downsizing to a doublewide just to ease the financial tension, what normally would make me pause and laugh, today makes me insanely jealous.

This woman is seeking $54K a week in her divorce settlement. No, that's not a typo; that's her weekly expenditure. Expenses include $4,500 for her clothing allowance where presumably she's paying her personal tailor to design an entirely new wardrobe daily and sew it right onto her body -- how else could you possibly spend over $600/day on clothes?? Especially when you have a weekly dry cleaning bill of $650? So she must "recycle" some of her clothes. Or maybe she's dry cleaning her linens.

Which leads me to: how big are her closets?

I especially love the $8K per week in travel expenses because I can see how that would actually add up. Two homes in Switzerland, private jet, hangar, fuel, pilots, etc. It cannot be cheap. However, she spends in only one week roughly equivalent of how much we spend on our annual trip to a fun, kid-friendly resort. Damn!

Lastly, only $250 on her personal trainer? What's that, one hour? After spending $1,500 on meals and entertainment, she might want to step up the exercise a bit more, no? Mind you, she does look great. I think that $1K on weekly skincare is paying dividends.

Shoot me now: All of this is on top of the $36 million he's already given her.

I'll be thinking of her as I take out a home equity loan to repair my collapsing tract house. And I'll be tracking him down shortly thereafter. Doesn't he need a new woman who can live modestly on the paltry $36 million without asking for more?

The nerve of some people!

Alex y Kim

Just celebrated the wedding of two awesome friends in Northern VA hunt country. Gorgeous weather. Sunny. Warm. Cloudless. Perfect.

The house where they were married sits atop a large hill overlooking ponds, fields, cattle and rolling hills in the distance.



I had the honor of leading the ceremony and tried my hardest not to cry. But I cried.

So much for my gazillion dollar make-up job from a talented man who did all the make-up for Sabado Gigante for a decade. With credentials like that, you would think I would have blazing red lips and over-the-top color. Nope. He refused to put blush on me, after caking my skin with primer (his term), he said the natural red of my cheeks would come out. No such luck. Thankfully, that day was NOT about me!

I'm very, very happy for them. They have a beautiful relationship and started their marriage with a flawless day. Definitely an auspicious beginning.

Crystal Light

Today marks our 15th year of marriage which, the hubby claims, is the "Styrofoam anniversary."

Not trusting his sage advice, I just looked it up and apparently we should be celebrating with crystal gifts for one another. With our house in constant disarray, Legos painfully found in my shoes last night and a bulimic cat leaving treasures underfoot, somehow crystal doesn't seem right for us -- regardless of the year.

I personally think this should be the "Molly Maid anniversary."

Love & Marriage

"Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond
. . . but it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."

-------

I finally saw Knocked Up last night and, while I couldn't stop laughing throughout the film, that line was the highlight. (Doesn't hurt that it was delivered by Paul McDreamy Rudd.)

Although the focus of the movie is on the hilarity of the unplanned pregnancy and the budding relationship between total opposites (i.e., a stoner and a hottie), I really enjoyed the scenes with, and droll dialog of, the married couple (i.e., the hottie's sister and brother-in-law).

Yep, it doesn't get any better than this! Till death!

Right Wing Morphing?

At some point last year on my drive home from work, I was listening to Pastor's Perspective, a Christian radio show, when a female listener called in and stated that her ex-boyfriend -- with whom she had remained good friends -- was getting married. She not only thought that attending the ceremony was inappropriate but she also felt that she should honor his marriage by cutting all ties. She was asking for feedback.

The pastor not only agreed with her but went on to state that men and women who are married to others should not even lunch together . . .

I was shocked and felt the answer was extreme. Not only do I have the occasional meeting with a male client in a public place, I have guy friends from childhood, high school, college, grad school and various jobs who I still see from time-to-time. Not as much as I would like but life is busy. Rarely, however, does the hubby join us mainly because he doesn't want to hear a bunch of reminiscing about a time when he wasn't present.

And my friendships aren't limited to cocktails, dinner or lunch. I have gone skiing in Colorado for a week with some of the guys I went to college with and just last year drove to Maine for a wedding with my friend Kevin who lives in Syracuse. Plain and simple fact: It was fun to spend time together and sad that it took a wedding to get us together given that we live an hour from one another. That's life.

My hubby also has female friends who he visits or goes to the movies with. I have no concerns.

But I do continue to ponder that advice. Initially I thought, "Well that's goofy. If it's completely innocent and all parties are trustworthy, what's the issue?" but as I continue to think long and hard, I'm now beginning to ask myself, "Do I really need to see my guy friends one-on-one?"

The logical answer is "yes" because the hubby doesn't want to come along and would be miserable if forced. And we would have to get a sitter to watch the kids or enlist my mom's help. And the fact is that 99.9999% of the time, I've never been hit on. But every once in a while, I get a random comment that I either choose to ignore or laugh off -- and one recent email from a close friend who I grew up with (who I like immensely) that I had to address head-on. As a result, I started asking myself, "Am I unnecessarily putting myself in compromising situations?"

Certainly there's something we can all do together (e.g., dinner with spouses and kids) that doesn't involve talking about the past. There are plenty of current topics that are much more interesting. But that assumes the guys are married; a few are not. Then what? Get a group together to go out? Sounds reasonable to me.

Egads, maybe I'm just becoming ultraconservative. The bottom line is: How can I honor my marriage without negating the friendships that I value?

As Sonic Youth says, "I just want you to know that we can still be friends."

Just in a group.

Half a Century Later . . .

My mom and dad were married 50 years ago today! My mom's best friend and her husband got married a week later.

On the fourth of July, mom and I went to a beautiful party in Pittsburgh to celebrate her friends' 50 years of marriage. The couple flew in from California to join their sons, daughters, grandchildren, friends from afar, cousins from Ireland, etc. at the fête. After a fabulous meal at the LeMont , an elegant restaurant with a to-die-for-view of the city, we all watched the fireworks from their floor-to-ceiling windows. And we listened to heartfelt toasts of their love and dedication to one another and to God. It was a wonderful night.

They definitely set the benchmark a little high for us kids.

Since a) my father is no longer with us and b) he and my mom split up 30+ years after they married, we're not celebrating in any major way. But my sister and I, along with hubbies and kids, are planning to take my mom out for a nice meal tomorrow night.

Maybe to Campi's "Where Sandwich is King."