My Tips for Disney World

1. Stay at a Disney property because the parks open early for Disney guests and there are no, zero, zilch, nada lines at those wee morning hours. That and the transportation is quick and free.
   
2. Sign up for the Disney meal plan because food at Disney is really, really expensive and the plan is really, really cheap. Including tips, we spent roughly $66 per day on food which breaks down to $22/meal or <$7.50/meal for each of us. The plan includes snacks (e.g., bagel, coffee, chips), counter service (e.g., cheeseburger, fries, drink and dessert) and a sit down meal per day (e.g., sushi, steaks, seafood, dessert) in fairly nice restaurants. In other words, way more food than could possibly be eaten.
3. Invest in The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World or borrow it from your local library like I did. I went through their rapid rating system and simply put the number of stars per attraction on my park maps. Then we knew exactly what rides we needed to make a beeline to and those which we could avoid.
   
4. Pay attention to #3 above. We ignored the recommendation in the book and went to It's a Small World on the first night because there were no lines. Even my six year old was bored. I warned them beforehand that the song would be permanently seared into their memory banks. Why is it that I can barely remember some of my fondest experiences yet will forever remember that hauntingly insipid tune? Oh, and we also went to the Hall of Presidents where Son #1 shared with us how he hates learning. Great.
   
5. Go with another adult: in case you get the flu. I had to go on every ride knowing that I was likely to die in any given minute. But what was actually worse than going on a roller coaster or a Mission to Mars with the flu was a) waiting in lines with the flu and b) watching my kids eat. I could heave just thinking about it now.
   
6. Go with another adult: in case one kid wants to go on a ride and the other kid doesn't. I had to pawn Son #1 off on some really nice couple because he wanted to go on Expedition Everest and his brother was too scared after the runaway roller coaster Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.
   
7. Don't go on Splash Mountain first thing in the morning. Especially if it's 50 degrees and overcast. Sounds like common sense, right? Yeah, well that's apparently something I'm lacking while on vacation.
   
8. Check out when there is a cheerleading competition at Disney World. This is either something you want to avoid like the plague or book your trip around if you have teenage boys. Our pool was swarming with high school girls in bikinis who were engaging in hula hoop contests. Need I say more?
   
9. Ignore your diet. Everything is filled with grease. Give in and have fun. Oh and look around. Chances are good that, even with belly flab, you're one of the thinnest people here. Speaking of which, Disney is one of the best people watching places I've been to in ages. There were guys with mullets, babies with tattoos, women in high heels, girls in tiny shorts with thigh-high tights, and entire families in matching outfits. Oh, and did I mention adults in mouse ears -- including newly married couples in bride/groom ears (complete with veil)? As the Fug girls said yesterday regarding LA, "you're no one in this town unless you look like an a*hole."
   
10. Come once and never again. The kids had soooo much fun yet I'm both exhausted and penniless.
    

I Wanna Rock n' Roll All Night

And party every day!

TripAdvisor has already posted the review I wrote yesterday morning re: our Disney hotel. Not sure what I was smoking when I rated it a "5" out of five. Perhaps I was still asleep? Possibly compared with the dismal state of the properties in Cancun and the Deerfield Spa, this hotel was an eleven; however, the only element that really gives it a strong rating would be the kids' activities. Oh well. Since it's Disney World and that's why we were there, I guess family fun should be a more heavily weighted criterion than decor and ambiance.

Just trying to justify my error. As always, I'm a cheap date. Who needs the Ritz-Carlton when you can do the chicken dance poolside?

Yay! Back to Work!

Yes, it's good to be back at work. Oh wait, no. It's Sunday. Whaaaaaaaaat am I doing here? Ah yes, enjoying the sunshine and warmth after a cold, windy trip to Florida . . . and deleting the majority of my 664 new email messages. No need for a replica watch, discount medications or penis enlargement.

My post on Disney World will have to wait until I have less work to catch up on. But here are a couple of my favorite conversations held at Disney last week.

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Kid to mom while walking past my kids who were swimming on a 60 degree day: "Mom, what are those kids doing in the pool?"

Mom: "They must be from Michigan."

Right concept. Wrong state.

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Teenage girl underneath large picture of Steven Tyler: "Ew. Look at that guy's huge mouth."

Her friend: "Oh, I think he used to be famous. It's what's his name."

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Bus driver: "Please be careful when disembarking."

Son #2: "Is disembarking when you suck all your puke back in?"

Me: "It's bark with a 'k' not disembarfing. It means getting off the bus."

Son #1: "Why didn't he just say that then?"

Good question.

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Son #2: "They should have a restaurant at Disney's Hollywood Studios called 'Straw Wars.' "

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Conversation in restaurant after I let my kids blend their own Sprite, Root Beer and Fanta Orange concoctions.

Older woman: "Are you boys having fun in Disney?"

Son #2: "Yeah! Our mom is letting us have mixed drinks."

Hello social services.

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And my least favorite of the lot . . .

Son #1 on day two: "I'm bored."

Hello Prozac.

Random Tidbits

I'm woefully short on time so I thought I would post a few minor thoughts on the state of my life . . .

1. Amazing how many people called me on the last post asking if they were the friend who slept with the random stranger. "It sounded like it could have been me." Funny!
   
2. Ended up telling the kids about Disney after ordering a book from the library, intending to pick it up myself, and inadvertently allowing it to be picked up by the hubby with kids in tow. Oops. Talk about an entitlement mentality, they were so NOT excited. It was as if we go to Disney daily. If I could cancel, I would. They have zero desire to see any characters (they're already much too cool) but, on that topic, Son #2 asked, "Will Jack Sparrow be there?" (Sidenote: If the real Jack Sparrow is there, I intend to put the kids with a babysitter and hit the town with him!) I replied that there was a big Pirates of the Caribbean attraction complete with a treasure hunt. "Will I be able to find a Wii? I don't want to do it if there are no Wiis." Huh? What happened to being happy with candy? I said, "No, there won't be any Wiis; however, if that's what you really want, I'll be happy to cancel the trip and buy you one." Sadly, they both had to think about it for a good few minutes. So far, we're still going.
   
3. Speaking of entitlements, I gave each of the kids a new Webkinz for Valentine's day because they dragged me to the store to see them at least six times since Christmas. Son #2 was extremely grateful for his new turtle; Son #1 could have cared less about his charcoal cat -- even though he had been asking for it repeatedly. Yeah, thanks. The hubby and I need to refrain from buying them anything between birthdays and Christmas unless it's at a garage sale and costs $1.
   
4. Son #1 keeps grabbing my boobs because he thinks it's funny. I've tried everything including kindly asking him to stop, making jokes, and screaming to get him to stop. Nothing works. The other night, in a fit of frustration, I said, "Dude, I don't go around grabbing your nuts" to which he responded, "No, I do that myself because it feels good." Oy vey. Yet another entry in a long list of things a mother doesn't want to hear.
   
5. I plan to give a copy of this article to my boss. The author, Max Kalehoff, uses Einstein quotes as the subtext of a modern day book on marketing to, once again, prove how timeless wisdom is. My favorite, “Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.”

Not feeling hugely valuable today!

Travel Update

For those of you keeping tabs on the previous voting: yoga/surf camp in Costa Rica has been postponed until the fall and St. Thomas (or some other tropical beach locale) has been postponed until April break so I decided to take the kids to Disney World (a.k.a. the happiest place on earth) in two weeks. Spare no expense on the mayhem express!

Which leads me to wonder . . .

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