Strangers with Candy

Yesterday, a delivery man stopped by with a large package from one of our vendors. As he stood there, I opened it and (like an ingrate) said, "I really don't need any of this crap." He noted the bag of cookies on top and responded, "My grandmother taught me never to turn down chocolate chip cookies."

Me: Oh really? Would you like some cookies??

Him: No thanks.

Apparently someone isn't heeding grandma's advice. This clearly falls in the "save your marketing dollars for someone who cares" category. Between designing, printing, sourcing, picking, packing, shipping and delivering -- what a colossal waste of money. The irony of it all was the 96 page, four-color, bound "we mean green" insert. Put your money where your mouth is? Oh well. Time for some cookies.

Pow! Bang! Crash!

I just received a package of financial statements that my client rendered in Comic Sans. It's a bit hard to take a P&L seriously when it's coming from Wolverine.

Maybe I'll design my bar charts out of hearts (where trending is favorable) or possibly employ some sad emoticons (where the data appears less advantageous).

It's best to know your audience.

Blogarrhea

The NYT ran an article yesterday entitled "Blogs Falling in an Empty Forest" which states that roughly 95% of all blogs have essentially been abandoned. People write blogs with the hope of securing a book deal or, at the very least, generating some comments. Others have made themselves more public in smaller increments through Facebook or Twitter and that's sufficient for them.

I write specifically into the empty forest just to purge. Like swimming or dancing, it just feels good. And, unlike work, it doesn't have to be structured or even succinct. There's no deadline. No imposed storyline. I'm not trying to find my voice. Nothing matters. No boss or client expectations. I don't have to be happy. Nor do I have to be perfect. Most importantly, I don't have to talk about market trends, industry forecasts, positioning, value propositions, strategic plans, succession planning, return on assets, top or bottom line growth, organizational modeling, outsourcing, partnering, scenario modeling, voice of customer, operational efficiencies, venture capital, government grants, tax incentives or geographic expansion. (Unless I want to.)

Instead, I can wax poetic about really important things like my kids, my ever increasing lard ass, wrinkles, bodily fluids, the cocktail du jour, girls night out, yeehaw fashion, redunkulous neighborhood gossip, random moments from my so-called-life, etc.

It's liberating.

And it also explains the dearth of comments and nonexistent book deal. Aldous Huxley I'm not.

Me Talk Pretty

My girlfriend took me to see David Sedaris at the Auditorium Theatre last night because her husband, who purchased the tickets, was called out of town on business (thanks John!). Since I had given Amy Sedaris' Hospitality Under the Influence cookbook to her for her b-day a few years ago, she knew how much I like the hilarity of the Sedaris family in general -- second only to the Cusacks. Whereas I want to marry John (Cusack that is) because he's hot AND I could then spend Christmas with Joan, I actually want to be Amy Sedaris. There's nothing better than dressing up and acting like a goofball (except getting paid for doing so); I just don't get to do it often enough. Maybe since the white trash bridal shower we threw for my girlfriend Mary many moons ago?

Anyhoo, I now wish I could be a talented writer like David -- yet his deadlines seem comparable to mine. He wakes up three hours before his car service arrives in the morning in order to get work done . . . not as relaxed as the romanticized life of a writer otherwise sounds.

Although he was standing and pretty darned funny, unlike Chris Rock, David Sedaris is not a stand-up comic per se. Instead he reads from his essays which are laden with dry humor and a shy sensitivity that comes even more to life with his spoken voice. He had the audience laughing throughout the show -- including some gaffawing. The best line of the night, which I cannot capture properly without the backstory and his comedic delivery, included a comparison for voters in the upcoming election between the chicken dish or human shit with glass.

Strangely, my favorite portion was the Q&A session at the end of his reading. It showcased that he is quick witted even when speaking off-the-cuff. The questions posed weren't intriguing at face value
(e.g., who's your favorite sibling and why?); however, his honest, thoughtful and droll answers made it more remarkable and interesting than his readings.

Oh and speaking of strange, David Sedaris continually plugged The Braindead Megaphone Essays by SU professor George Saunders. Not only was he selling this book alongside his in the lobby but he also said to the crowd, "I would buy his book before I would buy anything written by me."

With a recommendation like that, it has to be funny, no? Maybe I'll read it this weekend.

Know Your Audience

One of my SVPs at Amex once presented to a large crowd of bigwigs including Harvey Golub who was CEO at the time. He began his presentation by pointing to a large gap between himself and the audience and saying, "What's this? The corporate mosh pit?" No one laughed. He came back dismayed and said, "You should always warm people up with a story or a joke but lesson learned -- know your audience."

I was reminded of this on Christmas Eve when, in the middle of the children's pageant at church, a blinding white light came on overhead. I turned to the guy next to me, who was seated with his family, and said, "Last call." He responded, "Pardon?" and, like a moron, I repeated myself.

Yep, nothing funnier than barroom humor during a Christmas service.