My Boyfriends

My girlfriend Karen posted pictures of her boyfriends on Facebook last week: Brad Pitt, Jon Bon Jovi and Bret Michaels. Per my request, she later added Richard Grieco because she dated a Booker lookalike during the 21 Jump Street days and I felt it was a noteworthy absence.

I decided to compile my own photo album of boyfriends here in the blogosphere where, due to lack of readership, I wouldn't be subjected to as much public derision. To ensure the list didn't go on forever (and take the better part of my day), I limited it to two men per class (i.e., actors, musicians and athletes) which forced me to nix cute men like Denis Leary and Justin Bateman and focus on the true loves of my life starting, of course, with my main man David Bowie. Given that criteria, I then added an extra musician -- the lead guitar player for Rochester's very own Presstones (circa 1980-something).

What a winsome lot. And for a chick who claims to favor intelligence, the list is very telling. Nary a Stephen Hawking-esque figure in the mix. Ah well, can't have everything.

My Day of Atonement

Years ago, after the hubby had his wisdom teeth out, I rented Beaches and some other horrible chick flick like Fried Green Tomatoes. Kick 'em when he's down, I say. He's never quite forgiven me.

I finally atoned for that sin during Yom Kippur by getting sick, staying home for two days, reading a boring book and watching three films -- all of which left more to be desired. The worst of the lot was Adrift in Manhattan starring Heather Graham. The only thing that could have saved me from interminable boredom during this "drama" was if I were adrift in Manhattans but alas I'm deep in the heart of my pseudo-Lenten, non-drinking period. Next up was Grace is Gone with my main man John Cusack. Not bad; not great. Touchingly so so.

Hands down, the best movie of the three was Burn After Reading which was disappointingly not up to par with other Coen Brothers films. But here's what I really want to know: how did they get John Malkovich to play the part of the jilted agent/husband? Did he read the script before signing on? He, of course, was fantastic (as he typically is) but his character spent the entire film saying and/or asking "What the f*&^?" in a million different, highly expressive ways. I'm not sure he had many (if any) other lines but he delivered each WTF with a new, fresh intonation while stressing different words. Impressive. I guess that's acting. The hubby's guess is that he needed a cash infusion to renovate his kitchen.

Oh well. I think it's high time to put my movie picking to rest and let others select films for me from now on. It's no wonder I'm not allowed to touch the remote.

Me Talk Pretty

My girlfriend took me to see David Sedaris at the Auditorium Theatre last night because her husband, who purchased the tickets, was called out of town on business (thanks John!). Since I had given Amy Sedaris' Hospitality Under the Influence cookbook to her for her b-day a few years ago, she knew how much I like the hilarity of the Sedaris family in general -- second only to the Cusacks. Whereas I want to marry John (Cusack that is) because he's hot AND I could then spend Christmas with Joan, I actually want to be Amy Sedaris. There's nothing better than dressing up and acting like a goofball (except getting paid for doing so); I just don't get to do it often enough. Maybe since the white trash bridal shower we threw for my girlfriend Mary many moons ago?

Anyhoo, I now wish I could be a talented writer like David -- yet his deadlines seem comparable to mine. He wakes up three hours before his car service arrives in the morning in order to get work done . . . not as relaxed as the romanticized life of a writer otherwise sounds.

Although he was standing and pretty darned funny, unlike Chris Rock, David Sedaris is not a stand-up comic per se. Instead he reads from his essays which are laden with dry humor and a shy sensitivity that comes even more to life with his spoken voice. He had the audience laughing throughout the show -- including some gaffawing. The best line of the night, which I cannot capture properly without the backstory and his comedic delivery, included a comparison for voters in the upcoming election between the chicken dish or human shit with glass.

Strangely, my favorite portion was the Q&A session at the end of his reading. It showcased that he is quick witted even when speaking off-the-cuff. The questions posed weren't intriguing at face value
(e.g., who's your favorite sibling and why?); however, his honest, thoughtful and droll answers made it more remarkable and interesting than his readings.

Oh and speaking of strange, David Sedaris continually plugged The Braindead Megaphone Essays by SU professor George Saunders. Not only was he selling this book alongside his in the lobby but he also said to the crowd, "I would buy his book before I would buy anything written by me."

With a recommendation like that, it has to be funny, no? Maybe I'll read it this weekend.

Polyester Bride

My girlfriend Katherine used the following expression when talking about her love of George Clooney, “He would look so good on me.” True. He would look good on all of us – not at the same time, mind you. During that same conversation another girlfriend, Christine, claimed Matthew McConaughey as her own. Yep, he’s hot alright.

In this fictitious world we were living in (i.e., the one where we could date famous men), I couldn’t figure out who I wanted. Most stars are too good looking whereas I like intelligent and quirky. Tom Cruise is a one-man freak parade. Brad Pitt is way too cool and cannot be trusted. I was mulling over the benefits of Jon Stewart v. Paul Rudd – both cute and funny – when I realized that, the love of my life has been in front of me all along: John Cusack. My husband knows this but, somehow, I had overlooked him. Over the weekend, after watching “Must Love Dogs” for the umpteen time, which my husband taped for me for obvious reasons, it finally dawned on me that I should claim him after I repeatedly said to my children, “I’m in love with that man.”

Hot and talented -- presumably with good taste in music (can a man be judged by the soundtracks of the films he’s in or the Ramones t-shirts he wears when in character?), he’s sooooooo mine. And he has the world’s best bonus: a fabulous sister who may be even cooler than he is. Holidays would never be the same! I wonder if he likes unfamous, married, suburban, 40-something housewives with children . . .