- What problem or challenge have you faced in life?
- How did you solve it?
- What did you learn from it? Or what is the moral of the story?
When he finished writing, I asked him if he had ever had any other problems in his life.
He responded by telling me, "Yes, but I don't want to talk about them."
When I prodded a little further, he told me that it was a secret. "Do you know what a secret means? It means that I am not going to tell it to you."
I gently told him that I respect keeping secrets and didn't want to pry but I did want him to know that he doesn't have to bottle things up. It's better to tell someone and get it off his chest.
He told me that he would just as soon forget about it which, as his mom, I'm having a hard time doing. "Was it that thing you wouldn't tell me that happened on the bus with Ethan?"
"No, it happened in the neighborhood and that's all I'm saying."
"Were any adults involved?"
"No, just kids," and he stood and began walking away. He then added, "I've actually had a lot of problems that I don't want to talk about."
I gave him a little hug, told him he can talk to me at any time, and let him leave. Inside, however, I'm still sad. What could have happened? Did he do something wrong or did someone wrong him? Is it a boy thing to not want to talk about it?
What it really amounts to is control: specifically, my lack thereof. I want to protect him from harm (especially while he's still so young) and help him make wise decisions. But he has his path in life and there's nothing I can do but be a good parent, a strong role model, and his biggest supporter in life.
And I need to learn how to give him space.
2 comments:
Oh, I can so relate to this. I hate when my girls have a problem, and they don't want to tell me. My youngest says if she tells me, I'll call someone (usually the principal) and that makes it worse. I made a deal with her, I let her know I trusted her judgement, but it she felt it was too big for her to handle, to promise to come to me. I also promised her if she ever needed to talk, and just wanted me to listen, not go into fix it mode, I could work on doing that too. It is so hard, your right it is about control and wanting them to be safe and OK.
However, I am learning that I need to give them more space and let them learn to deal with problems on their own. Plus, I give them tons of journals, and then I read them...kidding. I mean I don't read them, they do tend to write a lot in their journals, especially my middle child. I love when she wants to share some of her writing thoughts with me.
It is a tough, tough tight rope walk. Good to know I am not alone.
XOXOX
journaling is amazing; what a great outlet for your girls! i was writing every morning for years but lately i've been unable to get out of bed -- mainly because i can no longer sleep and then finally succumb at 4:30 a.m. (when i used to get up). maybe i should be journaling at 2:00 a.m. instead?
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