Best Friends Forever

I just finished reading the Christian fiction book The Shack which came highly recommended by someone I trust implicitly. Not (at all) my cup of tea -- crappy writing, bad fiction, too new agey -- but it's an easy read so, even though I wanted to end my misery immediately, I felt compelled to keep reading. I'm somewhat glad that I did given that there were a couple of golden nuggets that did make me stop and think.

One point that the author made about friendship was especially poignant for me. In it, he says that with friends there is an "expectancy" of being together, of laughing and talking. It's a gift. But when it becomes an "expectation," it's more legalistic.

"You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations.
Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing
with rules and requirements.
It is no longer about you and me,
but about what friends are supposed to do,
or the responsibilities of a good friend."

I loved this analogy. Sure, he was talking about our relationship with God but on a more human scale I've been living it and it doesn't feel good.

For the past few years, one of my best friends from my high school and college years rarely returned my calls. We had an absolute blast whenever we were together (typically in a foursome that another friend arranged) but, outside of our group dinners, I felt like she couldn't have cared less what was going on in my life.

I actually brought it up one night but it only served to make it worse. Whereas I truly didn't want to be that chick who you have call out of "expectation," I did think our friendship was deeper and I was feeling sorry for myself. Sadly, the only thing that changed was that she now prefaced every greeting with "I'm so sorry I haven't returned your calls; I've been really busy." Interesting, because I've been working 80 hours/week . . .

As my girlfriend Melinda would say, "Don't write her off as a friend; just re-write the friendship contract." I couldn't agree more. I really love being with that group of friends so why not give up the charade? Our "best friend-ness" was in the 80s -- I need to simply enjoy her company when I can during this millennium. So last May, after hearing her apologize one time too many, I decided to completely let her off the hook. I would stop calling her and simply spend time with her whenever she called.

One year later . . . not one call.

I remember thinking last September, "OMG it's been four months and she has never once called me!" Over the past year, my feelings have gone from utter disbelief to hurt to sadness and finally the real acceptance that I was merely feigning this time last year. It is what it is.

Last night, we all got together briefly to celebrate another friend's birthday. She and I split the bill and as we drove home, she pulled her car up alongside mine. "I just realized you paid for the hummus I'm taking home for my son!" D'oh! She then said, "I'll mail you the money." Mail? She lives less than five minutes from my house.

Thankfully, I can now laugh -- sincerely laugh -- about it.

I called out from my car, "Dude, don't mail me the money. We can go out again!" And then I shouted as I drove away laughing. "FYI: I stopped calling you a year ago and decided to wait for you to call me. Pick up the friggin' phone!" She was incredulous. The comical part: she had never once noticed. So much for kidding myself about how people may like being in my company!

Anyway, I don't think it's time to erase the second "F" in BFF; but, it is time to recognize that, like the song from Friends, some friends really will be there for you when the rain starts to pour. And others are simply one whole heck of a lot of fun to be with.