Right Wing Morphing?

At some point last year on my drive home from work, I was listening to Pastor's Perspective, a Christian radio show, when a female listener called in and stated that her ex-boyfriend -- with whom she had remained good friends -- was getting married. She not only thought that attending the ceremony was inappropriate but she also felt that she should honor his marriage by cutting all ties. She was asking for feedback.

The pastor not only agreed with her but went on to state that men and women who are married to others should not even lunch together . . .

I was shocked and felt the answer was extreme. Not only do I have the occasional meeting with a male client in a public place, I have guy friends from childhood, high school, college, grad school and various jobs who I still see from time-to-time. Not as much as I would like but life is busy. Rarely, however, does the hubby join us mainly because he doesn't want to hear a bunch of reminiscing about a time when he wasn't present.

And my friendships aren't limited to cocktails, dinner or lunch. I have gone skiing in Colorado for a week with some of the guys I went to college with and just last year drove to Maine for a wedding with my friend Kevin who lives in Syracuse. Plain and simple fact: It was fun to spend time together and sad that it took a wedding to get us together given that we live an hour from one another. That's life.

My hubby also has female friends who he visits or goes to the movies with. I have no concerns.

But I do continue to ponder that advice. Initially I thought, "Well that's goofy. If it's completely innocent and all parties are trustworthy, what's the issue?" but as I continue to think long and hard, I'm now beginning to ask myself, "Do I really need to see my guy friends one-on-one?"

The logical answer is "yes" because the hubby doesn't want to come along and would be miserable if forced. And we would have to get a sitter to watch the kids or enlist my mom's help. And the fact is that 99.9999% of the time, I've never been hit on. But every once in a while, I get a random comment that I either choose to ignore or laugh off -- and one recent email from a close friend who I grew up with (who I like immensely) that I had to address head-on. As a result, I started asking myself, "Am I unnecessarily putting myself in compromising situations?"

Certainly there's something we can all do together (e.g., dinner with spouses and kids) that doesn't involve talking about the past. There are plenty of current topics that are much more interesting. But that assumes the guys are married; a few are not. Then what? Get a group together to go out? Sounds reasonable to me.

Egads, maybe I'm just becoming ultraconservative. The bottom line is: How can I honor my marriage without negating the friendships that I value?

As Sonic Youth says, "I just want you to know that we can still be friends."

Just in a group.