Today, my church began a series on Joseph -- one of many stories in the Bible that I love. As my pastor was talking about different obstacles that can trip us up (e.g., from sexual indiscretion to imprisonment), he stated that oftentimes difficulties arise from taking misguided advice from people we trust. Not that they're purposefully trying to steer us in the wrong direction necessarily but they have their world views, inherent fears and vantage points, as well.
It occurred to me that I suffer most from my own internal critic. My entire life I have been surrounded by parents and friends who told me that I could accomplish anything that I wanted. I was raised in a middle class family, went to good schools, traveled a fair amount as a child and didn't lack anything. Unlike Joseph, I've basically been handed everything in life and yet still I struggle. Is this the inevitable outcome of a privileged life?
Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I where I'm supposed to be? I haven't had a burning bush, a vision, a dream or an audible voice steering me in the right direction but there have been times when I've been awash in the pure awareness and confidence that God is present and taking care of me. Now is not one of those times.
Lately, I struggle with feeling overlooked. While I know without a shadow of a doubt that this thought cannot be true, I still take colossal amounts of time to feel sorry for myself. I try to remind myself that I am abundantly blessed. I have a job that pays well, a great family, my health and am surrounded by people who love me. But I still go back to, "Is this it?" or is there a greater plan for me? Then I'll read a book about the Holocaust and feel so unbelievably self-absorbed. I have soooo much -- why am I grousing?
Last Wednesday, I went to a funeral for the mother of one of my bible study girlfriends. During the eulogy, Kim talked about how her mom never once complained. Even when her health was failing and they couldn't figure out what was wrong, she kept repeating, "God has been good to me." As I headed back to the office after the service, I stopped for a few minutes in Durand Eastman Park to watch the waves roll in and pray.
Please let me, who has so much, be thankful for all of my blessings. And help me to firmly believe, and rest in the fact that, God cares so much about me that he knows every possible thought, dream and desire of my soul.
"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7
3 comments:
I am so thankful that you left a comment on my blog so that I could follow the trail back to your writing.It always fascinates me to learn of the background of a blogger...it gives perspective to the posts. Although I am in the same place as you right now, wondering what spectacular thing I was meant to do but haven't done yet,we had different upbringings
I grew up as a child of two self sacrificing evangelist/pastors whose desire to follow the leading of God did not always ensure us of enough money/food/clothing. So we knew what it was to truly need. But I also knew what it was like to truly want and not get. Lots of times.
When I grew up I wanted enough...well to be honest I wanted more than enough. I sacrificed Christ-likeness in the process...and I got my coveted middle class life.So, though we took different routes, you and I ended up in the same place.
So there I sat in my lovely home wanting more. But the "more" I wanted was not things. It was meaning. And the very thing that brought me meaning (writing) was not as lucrative as the thing that brought me the money.I went for it anyway.Because in the end, it is finding our own "Joseph" reality...that is, finding our true purpose in Gods plan...that makes everything else make sense.
It is worth running after and hungerng for...I am sure you will find it if you ask the Father! And when you do, I hope you write about it here...I love following peoples journeys!
The people who have seen the glory of God most, accomplish most for this world. Remember the words of Paul, "Beholding the glory of the Lord, [we] are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another" (2 Corinthians 3:18), and glory-reflecting people are not fruitless.
The best place to get your heart tuned is at the cross of Jesus Christ. "We have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth" (John 1:14). If you want the most concentrated display of the glory of God, look at Jesus in the Gospels, and look especially at the cross. This will focus your eyes and tune your heart and waken your taste buds so that you will see and hear and taste the glory of the true God everywhere. God made you to know his glory. Pursue that with all your heart and above all else.
Paul said these riches are unimaginable: "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined . . . God has prepared for those who love him" (1 Corinthians 2:9). He said these riches are immeasurable: "In the coming ages he [will] show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus" (Ephesians 2:7). In other words, because the riches of glory are infinite it will take ages for us to know it fully - eternal ages! In other words, we will never know it fully, but will know it more fully every day forever and ever. Our knowledge of the riches of the glory of God will increase forever and ever, world without end. And therefore, so will our joy. His mercies will be new every morning. And there will be not one boring day in heaven. Nor one day without fresh awe-inspiring discovery. Not one day without the accumulated weight of old glories ripening in memory, and the thrill of new glories breaking on our sight every day.
Thanks for the comments!
The two books I plan to take on vacation next week to "tune my heart" are Tim Keller's "The Prodigal God" and Henri Nouwen's "Spiritual Direction."
The ongoing quest continues . . .
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