A couple of years ago, my siblings and I began crafting our mother’s obituary. Even though she’s thankfully in perfect health (i.e., she’s feeling spry!), we thought we could get a leg up on this unfortunate event -- not to mention obtain her permission beforehand to take certain liberties with her public tribute, so to speak.
For whatever reason, I seem to have misplaced what was written; however, I’m pretty sure it started with something to the effect of “died suddenly due to a chocolate overdose” and continued with the line “leaves behind her lifelong passion of making fun of other people’s obituaries.” Since then, every once in a while, mom will call or email with a stolen line from a new obituary that she wants to co-opt for her own.
“Should we add ‘avid bowler’?” asks the woman who needs help lifting small objects.
“This one says 'spectacular mother of . . . ' ” she says, pausing for dramatic effect.
Last weekend, our local paper printed the mother lode of all obits which was (I believe) written firmly tongue in cheek by a local woman’s loving daughter and someone whom I wish I knew!
Sample lines from what may be one of the
lengthiest obits ever written include:
- Predeceased by her parents, brother, 163 cats, 9 dogs, 4 horses, and numerous chickens.
- Ann's early years were touched by the Depression, and were pivotal in developing what she termed “Cliffy syndrome,” the exultant satisfaction derived from saving money. Ann relished trading thrift stories with other members of the family also afflicted.
- Ann loved growing things; be it plants, a savings account, or paperwork on her desk.
- Ann also enjoyed the music section; in her lifetime she blew out three sets of stereo speakers: on Polkas, Sousa marches, and Placido Domingo.
- There will be no service, as per her emphatic command not to drag those who loved her over emotional hot coals. (Note: my favorite of all and oddly enough my mom's wish, as well!)
- Donations in her memory may be made to Habitat for Cats or you can adopt one or more of the 31 houseplants and tender perennials she has in the basement.
- Mother Nature requests everyone living near my parents to step up their efforts for wildlife, as there will be significant slack to be taken up.
Per our mom's request, I'm pretty sure ours will be much, much shorter. But I take comfort in the fact that other families may be as willing to laugh in the face of tough subjects as ours!
