A couple of years ago, at the request of a friend, I met a U of R MBA student at a local coffee shop who was looking for a job. When I asked her what she wanted to do, she kept telling me that she wanted to “mitigate risk.” If I attempted to discern how she was planning to do this (e.g., more vibrant “piso mojado” signs, cars that won’t start depending on the blood alcohol level of the driver, fat-free Cheetos, fashion-forward arm bands that prevent electrostatic discharge on the production line), she looked at me as if I were the biggest dolt on the planet and carefully repeated the phrase (albeit differently). “If there is inherent risk in an organization, I seek to minimize it.” Yeah, okay. Your textbooks are really paying off. Well, good luck with that!
A few weeks ago, I received an email from another student whom I know not asking if we could get together so she could find out more about consulting. “Sure!” was my response -- never to be heard from again. Was it the welcoming tone of my reply that was so off-putting?
Today I received a solicitation from said grad school asking me if I would kindly “make a positive impact on the life of a Simon student” by reviewing the career objectives and resumes of a student or two. Why not? Our clients are always hiring and oftentimes cannot find the right candidate.
I clicked over to the school’s web site for job-seeking students and lo and behold: I’ve never seen so many internally focused claims (I am, I have, I learned, I generated profit). Yes, I get it. It’s a resume and they need to tout themselves; however, don’t they realize they also need to apply Marketing 101 to their job search? I don’t really care what you do; I care about what you’re going to do for me.
“I’m simply looking for a position which will continuously make me learn and apply myself, while adding value through solution-based initiatives.”
Seriously? Awesome. Can you also utilize bleeding-edge paradigms?
Please add some value through solution-based initiatives for me. Solve this: I’m all out of coffee (or would that be patience?). What on earth shall I do?
4 comments:
Oh, my! As part of my job, I help college students with their resumes and cover letters...and most of them are HORRIBLE. They come across as scarily egotistical and completely full of crap. The best part is: I can tell them this (nicely) and help make them look far more appealing on paper.
You say you are out of coffee? If you bring me on board, I will seek to mitigate the risk that you will develop the migraine that might prevent you from expediting compelling initiatives. Secondly, I will go to the South American coffee fields to develop and embrace granular relationships with the growers that will ensure sufficient supply to meet your current--and future--needs. By harnessing these revolutionary synergies, I hope to secure the lasting success of your business.
What is it that you do, exactly?
it doesn't matter what i do: you're hired. i'll take anyone that can reintermediate for me.
and leesavee -- i re-write heaps of resumes, too. mainly for friends of friends, daughters of clients, sons of sam . . .
"sons of sam"? I thought he was still in jail . . . :-D
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