More Maps . . . for our Children

Poor Miss Teen USA 2007 from South Carolina! I'm sure she would have done well if her question was easier, no? The following is a very, very difficult question:

Recent polls have shown that a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?

In my opinion, adequate answers might include:

1. Are you kidding me? 20% of the population? Well, you have me stumped on that one, Jack. I keep hearing comedians say that Americans are stupid but this is the clincher for me. Ahhhhhhhhh. NOW I understand how Bush is still in office!
2. Well, I personally think this is because the pollsters continue to hire uneducated people who cannot coherently articulate the simplest of phrases. Have you heard these guys lately? My guess is that, if they can barely read a basic sentence from a script that they have read aloud countless times already, they are probably just as unskilled at clicking the correct box on their computer screens. In other words, I simply refuse to believe that so many American's can't find our country on a world map.
   
3. The reason many Americans cannot find our country on a world map is because there is mass confusion regarding where America begins and ends these days. Is the UK part of America or do they just do everything we ask of them because they're polite? More importantly, do we now "own" Iraq or is that just a Dick Cheney pipe dream? And come on already. With Puerto Rico, Guam, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and other mariana-esque islands masking as U.S. territories or commonwealths, how can you blame people for their ignorance? Cut us some slack, freak show.
   

Sadly, this is what our young beauty had to say: our education system needs more maps.

Or, in her less concise words, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some . . . people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our eh-education, like such as, uh, South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like . . . such as . . . And I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should, help the U.S., uh, or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future. For . . . our children."

Sorry Honey, You Can't Get Rid of Me That Easily!

Last Sunday, when I arrived home from church, my good friend and neighbor across the street asked if she could have a few words with me in private. There was something happening in the neighborhood that she thought I should be aware of.

Specifically: Our newest neighbor told his wife that I had left my husband for a man with whom I am having a long-term affair. Whoa! His wife then told their next door neighbor who called her friend across the street (at her beach house in NJ) who sent an email to my next door neighbor who forwarded it to my friend across the street who then asked her next door neighbor . . .

And so on. And so on.

At first, I had an immediate flash of anger. And then, about a minute later, I started to laugh. This man and his wife just moved here and I don’t think they’re out to get me. Obviously they have me confused with someone else. So I told my girlfriend to find out if the lucky guy is a) rich and b) handsome. If so, keep the rumor going!

This whole episode made me ponder how to create an effective rumor that will defame someone forever. I decided it was best to make something up that is bizarre enough that people will talk about it yet embarrassing enough that no one will actually feel comfortable sharing it with the actual “defendant” so to speak. In other words, it can’t be so over-the-top that people will be willing and able to verify it.

For example, one of the aforementioned neighbors also told the entire neighborhood about the woman on the corner of our street (and one of her best friends oddly enough) who takes pride in shoplifting from Home Depot. (Given my loathing of that retail chain, I’m less appalled than I would be otherwise.) Now that’s an effective rumor! You can’t really say anything to the woman like "Hey, I heard you're a clepto" but her “five finger discount” imagery sticks in everyone’s minds.

To make matters worse, apparently the new neighbors gave this same woman the key to their house and, upon leaving for vacation, she allegedly called her so-called friend and asked, “Want to go check out their house?” Once again, the friend shared with people what may not even be true -- but it's definitely a highly effective way of continuing to perpetuate that poor woman's image! (With friends like that . . .)

In any event, I’m just glad that I’m now known for my “Scandelicious” exploits and not for my growing collection of power tools.

Nature vs. Nurture

It's amazing to me how different two kids, same sex, same parents, roughly the same age, can be.

While the oldest, whose "brain is on fire with math," is content inside playing video games and watching Naruto on beautiful summer days, the youngest wakes up, opens his eyes and immediately says, "I'm bored."

He is in constant need of playing catch, going to the playground, hitting baseballs, playing basketball/soccer/hockey, riding his scooter, learning to ride his bike, etc. Every moment is an "Can I go outside?" moment. "Not yet Monkey, it's not even 8:00 a.m.; we don't want to wake the neighbors."

Yesterday, he spent the entire day making obstacle courses in the front yard, arranging and rearranging items, so that he could run, weave in and out, climb and jump. He and the little girls across the street were competing while I held the watch and timed them. Although he's pretty careful, he still takes some crazy chances -- especially when he's out of breath and should be resting for a moment but instead he's leaping off things and flying to the ground.

I just hope he can sit behind a desk for an entire day in first grade this year!

Social Etiquette

When I was little, there were very strict, unspoken guidelines regarding how to treat our elders. There were certain things we did not say in front of the neighbors (or you got the snake eye!) and other things we would never dream of saying to our grandparents (or God knows what would happen).

One morning, when my grandfather was visiting, one by one, each of us entered the kitchen to have our cereal. Every kid, upon glancing at the milk carton said something sarcastic like, "What idiot opened the carton from the wrong end?" to which my grandfather responded, "I did." We were so horrified to have insulted him (with what now appears to be a mild infraction but at the time was akin to committing an unmentionable sin), that some lame, dutiful response immediately followed. "Oh, that's okay, Grandpa."

My kids, on the other hand, have taken to repeatedly telling my mom that she is "old and wrinkled." She seems to be taking it well and laughing about it but I want to throttle them. Today they added "weak" to their list. Actually, as someone who regularly helps her pump her gas, I happen to agree with that last modifier!

I just hope my grandkids are kinder to me.

My Hard Drive Died a Slow Death

In related news, I have a new hard drive and six million emails to sort through.

In unrelated news, we took the boys to a Rochester Red Wings baseball game last night compliments, and in the company, of the little girls across the street who won tickets. I really enjoy being outside on a summer night, under the big lights, watching a ball game. I don't particularly like paying $5/each for crappy dippin' dots ice cream just so my kids can take home the $0.25 plastic helmet for their stuffed animals.

But I love seeing my littlest guy sitting in his seat, eating ice cream, with his feet dangling -- unable to touch the ground. Pretty soon he's going to be big like his brother so, for now, I just want to soak up his cuteness. And that includes seeing how happy he was to put that stupid helmet on his much beloved "monkey" when he got home.

Half a Century Later . . .

My mom and dad were married 50 years ago today! My mom's best friend and her husband got married a week later.

On the fourth of July, mom and I went to a beautiful party in Pittsburgh to celebrate her friends' 50 years of marriage. The couple flew in from California to join their sons, daughters, grandchildren, friends from afar, cousins from Ireland, etc. at the fête. After a fabulous meal at the LeMont , an elegant restaurant with a to-die-for-view of the city, we all watched the fireworks from their floor-to-ceiling windows. And we listened to heartfelt toasts of their love and dedication to one another and to God. It was a wonderful night.

They definitely set the benchmark a little high for us kids.

Since a) my father is no longer with us and b) he and my mom split up 30+ years after they married, we're not celebrating in any major way. But my sister and I, along with hubbies and kids, are planning to take my mom out for a nice meal tomorrow night.

Maybe to Campi's "Where Sandwich is King."

Self-Esteem

When I first started dating my husband, he asked me to go with him to his friend Mary's wedding. I was so excited. I bought a new dress, necklace and shoes. All 98 lbs. of me were looking good.

When he came to pick me up, he somehow forgot to mention how stunningly beautiful I looked so I tried to force it out of him.

Me: "So, what does it feel like to be dating the best looking girl in town?"

Hubby: "Who told you?!"

Trial Run

My girlfriend just called to tell me that she has officially fallen in love with the guy she's dating. I joked, "don't you think you should be telling him this (vs. me)?" She laughingly said that I was her "trial run" to ensure she got it right. Some things are scary to say out loud for the first time.

When my husband and I were dating for almost seven years, one of his friends asked him when we were going to get married. "Never" was his response. So his friend told his wife who, in turn, told her sister who, in turn, told other girlfriends, and so on. Typical small town.

After we got engaged, I found out about this gossip chain (i.e., friends who were sincerely worried that I was being set-up for disappointment) and I asked him, "why, if you had already purchased the ring, did you tell Bill that you weren't planning to marry me?"

"I thought you should be the first to know."

Bible Study (or Not)

Last month, I showed up at my small group Bible study to find all the women drinking margaritas.

Before I arrived, they asked my friend Meg if she thought I would be offended!

Tonight, we're going out on the ring leader's boat for an end-of-summer get together with appetizers and cocktails before we get back into our Beth Moore "Believing God" DVD series in September.

I really know how to find 'em, don't I? To think I was nervous to join a small group for fear that I would be an outcast. Instead, I found myself with a bunch of predominantly 40-something women who are not only a riot to be with but also brutally open and honest. I love to be held accountable for my behavior/actions by others who can understand me without passing judgement.

More tequila anyone?

Mistakes, I've Made a Few

My boss is not one for drama. She has only one request from us, "no surprises." If something goes wrong, she wants to know immediately. And she typically calms people down by saying things like, "Did anyone die? Did we lose a million dollars? No? Then take a deep breath."

I learned this same lesson from my mom when I was in high school.

Just before my parents left the country for a Rhine cruise, my mother mistakenly said to a group of my girlfriends, "No parties in the house when we're gone." The minute she walked away, one friend said, "Your parents are going away and you weren't planning to tell us?" I knew I was screwed.

I didn't personally plan the party but tons of people showed up. It wasn't fun at all because I was so worried but I relaxed after everyone left and the remaining few girlfriends and I danced around to the B52's and Gary Numan.

The next morning, when we were cleaning, one of my friends discovered it: a giant burn hole in my parents' dining room table. No exaggeration, it was probably 3" wide and 1" deep. There was nothing I could do but prepare for the worst.

When my parents arrived home, the first words out of my mother's mouth were, "Were you good while we were gone?" I immediately burst into tears. Even before I could ask how their trip was, I showed them the table.

My mom's response? "Relax. It's only a dining room table. Actually, I've wanted to sand out the cat paw prints anyway."

It was a watershed moment for me. Possessions don't matter in the grand scheme of life. But love and forgiveness rule.

Please Just Go Away

Last year I had a "stalker" who worked in my building and attended my church and was causing significant angst in my life. He finally left me alone, after I told him to stop contacting me, but then called again yesterday out of the blue. I had my coworker tell him I couldn't come to the phone. But then I was disturbed about it all last night.

I was trying to piece together in my head when the relationship turned (in my brain, at least) from avuncular to creepy.

Was it when:

• He began putting flowers on my windowsill outside (because he told the window washers to chop down my rose bush and I got pissed)?
  
• He invited me to dinner parties at his apartment and encouraged me to bring my girlfriends (v. my husband)? (Why, may I ask, would any of us be interested in that??)
  
• He asked me if I had any single friends -- and when I told him he was old enough to be their father, he shared that he only liked younger women?
  
• He began acting surprised to see me at church (when I sit in the same basic spot week-on-week)? "Oh hi! What are you doing here?" WTF?
  
• He began telling complete strangers at church that he was helping me through marriage issues (puhlease)?
  
• He began sitting next to me in church, crying and telling me how lonely he was?
  
• He lured me into the boiler room before Mother's Day to give me flowers -- and he had approximately 12 other bouquets to give to other prey (ew)?
  
• I heard he got fired due to the lady across the hall telling the management company that she was getting a restraining order?
  
• I received an e-card after I told him to stop contacting me?

I kept telling him that he needed counseling and he insisted that he didn't. The final straw came when he told me that he was getting involved in women's abortion counseling. OMG! Talk about preying on women at their weakest moments. My girlfriends and I finally told the church leaders what we felt was going on. Needless to say, after being confronted, he shifted churches.

So, why is he calling me now? Last night, I was praying for help to know what to say if a) he calls back and b) I pick up. It's like the old saying, "don't go away mad; just go away."

Then my freakish brain begins to wonder if there is any real danger or if I'm perhaps overreacting . . .

Parenting 101

Son #1 left his t-shirt in the station wagon last weekend and went out to get it.

"Mom, are you wondering how I closed the trunk?"

"No. Why did you open the trunk? Your shirt was on the seat."

"Well, I felt like climbing in the back and over the seat."

"Great. So, how did you close the trunk?"

"I climbed on top of the car and pushed it down. I was a little scared that I was going to fall from the roof but it closed pretty easily."

"Sheesh. I need to keep a constant eye on you!"

Till Death . . .

A friend of mine in San Francisco once told me that he didn't understand the concept of marriage. He likened it to saying, “I love you so much that I want to spend the rest of my life ruining yours.”

With that said, Happy Anniversary Honey!

Fourteen years and counting . . .

As Time Goes By

We spent the weekend at my brother-in-law's cottage on Seneca Lake. The kids and I went to the Sprayground (i.e., sprinkler park) and swam in the lake for hours. Until I was freezing.

On Saturday night, while Son #1 went out on the boat with my sister and her husband (which he drove "98% of the time"), Son #2 and I took a long walk and held hands the entire way. It was perfect. We looked at all of the cottages and he named all of the bunnies we saw (e.g., buns, carrot, scamper, hoppity). We ended in a clearing where music that sounded like Billie Holiday was floating out of an unseen house in the woods. For a moment, I felt like I was transported to another era. It was magical.

As we walked back, we passed a house with an in-ground pool. My little monkey told me that he wanted to buy it for me. "If they'll sell it to me for a dollar, can I swim anytime I want?"

Yes little man. If you can score a lake front cottage for $1, you can pretty much do whatever you want. Too bad you put all of your money in the bank . . .

I am Rula Lenska

I love strange lines from movies ("Nobody puts Baby in a corner") and bizarre commercials ("Mentos, the Freshmaker"). Hence the "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" blog.

To this day, I still quote the little Southern girl saying, "It's Shake n' Bake and I helped" or my all-time favorite, "Ancient Chinese secret," with the wife outing her husband's Calgon tricks. "My husband, some hotshot, here's his ancient Chinese secret." The cheesier the better!

Over 20 years ago, an ad was running in London where there was a filmed image of a mop waxing a floor. At the end, a bottle of liquid Ajax was placed on the shining floor. You could only see the reflection of the bottle (XAJA) and the British voice over said, "Xaja, nomel ro etihw." (Translated: Ajax, lemon or white!) It was just brilliant and, to make it even funnier, I found out later that xaja means "silly" in Greek.

With that said, one of my favorites from the last few years was for BudLight with a classic one-liner: "Nothing quite like a beer straight from the tree." I hope YouTube links stay put for a while because I could watch it over and over again!

Which brings me to the best commercial ever . . . from The Simpson's: Canyonero. Just beautiful.

Happy Friday.

Lucky Me!

My boss just came into my office beaming, "In the 15 years that we've been in business, we've never been this busy!"

Paycheck aside, I have only one thing to say: Jane, stop this crazy thing!

It's All About Me

When I was younger, I told my mom that I hoped I died before her because I couldn't bear to live without her. Her response? "That is so selfish! How do you think I would feel?"

Oddly enough, I hadn't really thought about it that way.

A while back ago, I told my girlfriend DeeDee that I wanted my ashes to be scattered at Cape Hatteras because it's my favorite beach in the U.S. (so far). She responded by saying, "That is so selfish! You're going to make your husband drive 11 hours with your dead body in the car?"

Once again, not my problem.

Similarly, my mom told us that she wanted each of her children to take some of her ashes, go on a trip (not with each other necessarily) and scatter her around the world -- we could choose anywhere as long as we were having fun. My sister says she's going to throw mom in front of Eastview Mall so she can visit her every weekend.

Works for me!

Yeah, I know, I seem to be on this weird death kick lately in here but thought these few stories had a common thread: per usual, it really is all about me.