Big Night Out

I heard on the radio this morning that Snooki from Jersey Shore was in town last night promoting herself at Woody's. The chick who called into the program said that Snooki spent less than 10 minutes at the bar, didn't speak with anyone, was upset that there were so many people in the VIP room, left, returned for another five minutes and that was it.

My thoughts:

• I want a television show! One that allows me to be devoid of all talents yet pays well. I'll even keep my underwear on. (Promise.) And I'll try not to get punched in the face. (Fingers crossed.)
  
• If I had a television show, I would be so grateful for anyone who came, nay paid, to see me on my world tour of dive bars that I would smile continuously, give big hugs and thank them profusely for watching. Then I would do a shot with them. Why not?
  
• I would rather be the host of Three Sheets than a cast member of Jersey Shore. Either way, I would be out boozing it up every episode; however, Three Sheets would enable me to travel, check out myriad different types of bars and avoid the perpetually tanned, weight lifting, machismo men that Snooki has to endure. 
• Before Jersey Shore, I thought "I've never met a beach I didn't like." (Better yet: I got 99 problems but the beach ain't one. Hit me!) Alas, I was wrong. I would rather be beachless on Three Sheets than anywhere within 10 miles of wherever they film Jersey Shore. 
• I'm concerned that my Yankees hats/caps are now associated with penultimate douchebaggery. Do I have to become a Mets fan after all of these years? 

Now I'm trying to figure out what my new TV show should be. Three Sheets is clearly taken. No Reservations is not only taken but nobody can do it as well as Anthony Bourdain. Same for Top Gear -- but, boy, are they having some fun in life. I don't think I would have a large audience if I traveled throughout the world to religious shrines and sites (especially if I'm boozing). What does that leave me with?

Here's what I'm thinking: how about a night out somewhere uber-trendy or interesting with someone famous? Kind of like the weekly A night out with column in the "Style" section of the Sunday New York Times but fun and interactive. With cocktails. First up: John Cusack. Followed immediately by David Bowie, Zooey Deschanel, John Oliver, etc.

I would be living the dream of middle aged housewives worldwide!

A girl can dream, right?

Aldo Chilla Chella

I have a Facebook "friend" (read: ex-coworker) who should be gracing the pages of Hot Chicks with Douchebags. In his photos he's always surrounded by scantily clad women whether it be "après ski" (as he states) at his house in Aspen, hanging out cocktails-in-hand on a boat après wakeboard at his lake home in Austin, on the deck at his new beachfront abode in San Diego, dining al fresco seaside in Ixtapa, etc.

Status updates, complete with spelling errors, include (but are not limited to):

• Traveling...Peru (Manchu Pichu), Colombia, Argentina, Brazil, Patagonia, Aruba, Equador, Costa Rica...and have to fit in Mammoth, Aspen, Whistler, Teluride, then Russia after the snow melts!...who wants to meet me where?
• hmmm, where should I go 4 xmas break...Russia, Costa Rica, Argentina, Brazil, or Colombia?
• Invited to 3 holiday parties on Dec 5th...Austin, San Diego, and Seattle...can I be in 3 cities at once? where should i go?

Why do I mention this? I clearly want to be living his life (hot chicks not required). The worst part: he wasn't exactly known for his stellar contributions to our old company. I need to figure out how to ride the wave on someone else's buck! He is living proof that it can be done.

Fascinating stuff. 

Just today, in the not-so-subtle art of giving oneself a compliment while pretending to help another, he wrote this recommendation of a well respected, driven, insanely smart co-worker on LinkedIn: " . . . is a gem. I hire and mentor the best of the best when I build teams and she is on the A-1 list."

I agree. She puts the sizzle in the steak.

Kick ass life complete with hubris. The Situation would be proud. Very, very proud.

You're in New York, but I'm not.
You're in Tokyo, but I'm not.
You're in Nova Scotia, but I'm not.
Yeah, you're everywhere that I'm not!